I am still with my ABF. Jan, he was mostly MIA with his crack friends, mid Feb he came back home. I was a wreck, so co dependant and lived like a beaten puppy with his verbal and emotional abuse and his crack smoking in the house till mid March.
needless to say, I lost my job of 7 years because of my emotional state, uncontrolable crying - I didnt apply myself and put all my effort into trying to contol my home life........STUPID.
now July.......I am still with him - he still smokes at least 4 times a week - still belittles me, calls me names, etc.........and now that he has lost almost everything including my things.......he wants to quit crack - or "slow down".
I did get him to go to couples counceling - specializing in drug abuse - he says he is commited to going. but I sat this morning outside on the deck smoking a cig and I finally realized - I am in this alone - I am taking this all on voluntarily.
thoughts of leaving and going home to my hometown have crept up more and more in my head - I am lonley here -I have been lonley for so very long.
I daydream of finding someone one day who comes and hugs me just because they love me, brings me a flower he has picked himself, being told I look pretty, falling asleep in someones arms, having my hand held while crossing the street. etc.
These things I want. I dont think they are unreasonable -
Here with him, I have to ask for a kiss goodnight.
if he is using - I am banned to the upstairs livingroom to watch TV and sleep.
and any time I ask for affection I am greeted with " You really are the most insecure btch I have ever know".
I dont want to love him anymore. I dont understand why I keep trying and giving and loving someone who doesnt love me - or rather, who cant love because I am not crack.
All the horrible things he says to me - about me, about my character, about my past present and who I am screams - I HATE YOU.
Things when even "normal" can be crashed down with his suttle put downs.
Then there are the random times when he is silly, gives me hugs when I put my arms out - small not large tokens of affection from your partner.
I know that I have been broken down - that my self esteam is low.......because he wants it that way.
I looked in the mirror this morning after I showered and put on my clothes and makeup.
I am 38, 1/2 Japanese and 1/2 British (moms a blond
) I still look the same as I did at 28. by all acounts, I am still cute.
what is wrong with me!!! why cant I leave