| Poor Me
I looked over some of my posts lately and I am starting to see that all I seem to portray is "the poor me" dynamic which is a very comfortable act. I do it at home, at work, with those with whom I have brief encounters with, with therapists, and even with sponsors.
I have said before that I never realize how hurtful my behavior is to others until it is after the fact. People here have asked me if I'm aware of my behavior at the time I'm doing it and I honestly think I am sort of sociopathic--How can I not be aware that web porn, substance abuse, cell phone calls to ex-girl friends, and always being on the brink of a psychiatric slip is not hurtful to the one person in my life that did love me and demonstrated that love through staying with me, holding me during the times where I thought I was going out of my mind and someone who helped me in my career.
Today, I have to say that I feel like I never did Step One and deceived myself into thinking that I did. I am a coward. I am someone who is driven by impulse, not by thought. And then I have the courage to blame others for the outcome. This is really something that I feel has HALTED my growth as a human being.
K
|