shutterbug

well, i don't know where that mouth comes from.....oh yeah!!! Dealing with all the abusive people in my life for 30 years!!! It would have been different if she would have been someone i knew previously or had to work with each day....but having never met these people i guess i felt totally attacked and went into survival mode. Everything would have been fine had she just left me alone when i went to walk out the door and leave.

i'm still upset about it and tearful. It really did take me back to the place i was in with those abusive people in my life. It even had me wondering about changing careers and getting into the non-news side of photography for a living - but i'm too much of a perfectionist w/o a daily deadline.

anyway, i was already struggling w/ my depression and this has pushed me into a moderate level of depression. Thoughts of quitting my job, wondering if i'm bad enough (or will become bad enough) to need to go back into the hospital, thoughts of complete worthlessness and not wanting to live this life.

how i can allow a few stupid people and one event have this much power over me is a mystery. I'm having to try everything i can to try to center myself and not let my depression get worse and then take over my life.

since NY, every day at work has been a struggle. A struggle to get out of bed, take showers, get dressed....and then keep my mind focused on what i'm suppose to be doing - rather than on things that might help me feel better briefly (like shopping, chatting online, reading, sleeping, sleeping and sleeping).

Anyway, all hope is not lost. i'm not to that level yet, but struggling i am.

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I suppose i'll tell you of another recent example of my mouth while i'm thinking about it. About 4 months ago, we got a new page designer who didn't know a flip about designing pages or about the newspaper biz. Shortly after the first week, she started constantly whining....and i do mean CONSTANTLY!!

It was bad enough that she was making my job more difficult and making my work look horrible, but now i had to listen to her whine about it!! After about a week or two I made a comment that i was going to start a change jar and that every time she whined I'd make her put a quarter in it....and then when it got full we'd use the money for the 4 of us (her, me and the 2 editors also having to listen to her) to go out to dinner on.

A couple more 'light-hearted' comments like that and her whining stopped. until recently. Now I sit about 12 feet from her and i just can't stand to listen to someone moan about their job when they don't even deserve it since they don't have the skills needed to do it.

So...we were all slammed last Friday and once again she was whining and said, "uhhhh.....i don't want toooooo. That's not in my job description."

Without so much as a moment of hesitation....out of my mouth came, "Neither is listening to you whine in mine."

Shocked at myself and unsure if i'd pushed it too far...i looked over our office assistant and she was half out of her chair and about to literally fall on the floor laughing!!!

We all had a good laugh and Whiney Girl said i'd get it later. I told her i was sorry if i'd hurt her feelings. As it's never my intention to hurt anyone, but these things just pop out when i least expect it. I need a personal editor installed in my brain

hugs,
Jenna