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I’ve been doing it again, on and off for the past couple of months. Not enough to feel like I need it…just enough to really want it. Before now I had not touched that stuff in three years.( I mean sort of, I couldn’t stop right away) I left my old high school and went to a boarding school, and left that life behind…however my senior year I started developing anorexia and as graduation approached that and everything else got worse and I started doing it again.
I guess you could say all my problems start and end with this guy. Now I realize I am in charge on my own life, my own feelings and I make my own decisions, therefore nothing is anyone’s fault but my own. I’m not blaming him in that way. It’s just…every time I feel low enough to want to do snow, it usually starts with him. It’s a situation of unrequited love, he’s the only person I’ve ever let myself care about, the only person who’s ever really cared about me. I always distance myself from people, never get close to people…never care about them etc. but with him it’s completely different. He is like the drug that replaced coke when I quit using. And he has a girlfriend now, has no capacity or time for anyone else.
That hurts. A lot. I’ve been gaining weight and I hate myself for that. I’m staring as a college freshman in the fall and because I screwed around so bad for three years I only got into one school and I hate it there. I completely dread everything that is too come in the future and constantly find myself thinking about killing myself, the thing is I cold never do that…and I guess you could say…coke is almost like a security blanket, it’s what I have to fall back on. Because it really is coming down to the decision of coke or killing myself, that’s what scares me. That I might now be able to live with myself and my life while sober. I know it will screw my life so bad, it’ll hurt the people I care about, it’ll only be hurting myself, making matters worse, but I feel like it’s getting the point where I don’t really have a decision.
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