Ksos,
I truly understand what you´re going through. I struggled through the same things for many years. When the "minitel rose" (The pink internet) came to Paris in the late eighties, many people started to correspond through that medium. It was only available in France, if I remember right. I "met" many such partners through the minitel and felt sicker and sicker. I dated some of them and finally I came to believe the attraction I had for this was caused by my inability to commit - you don´t have to commit through the screen or phone - and secondly that relationships based on this were pure fantasy. I could almost "tailor" the men I had contact with in my mind. Maybe this is why many such relationships today via the internet won´t last long (when both partners are sick and not using any program to heal themselves).
When they do there is much obsession and fantasy linked to it and the trust is obscure. I believe lasting relationships are based on trust and for sick people like us, it is best to start slowly by being friends and let the trust be the key.
I would like to point out the book "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood. Many men have used that book by reading it from the feamle point of view. She explains very well how obsessive relationships are created; linked to alcholism and dysfunctional families of origin. She recommends staying in a twelve step program while working on ten steps.
The steps are as follows:
1. Go for help.
2. Make your own recovery the first priority in your life.
3. Find a support group of peers who understand.
4. Develop your spiritual side through daily practice.
5. Stop managing and controlling others.
6. Learn not to get hooked into the games.
7. Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings.
8. Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself.
9. Become "selfish" (cultivate your own needs rather then others).
10. Share with others what you have experienced and learned.
I have been organizing groups in Paris using these means since 1994 - they are part of SLAA, called "Femmes dépendantes affectives et amoureuses anonymes" and I´ll be happy to discuss with you what these steps implies.