[shutterbug]

And before that I wrote this post about where I think a lot of my self-loathing hails from:

i am unbelievably hard on myself. unfortunately, i know and understand what part of my childhood that developed in and what parts it continued to be fed in. i will never be able to explain to most people what it's like to be desserted by you mother, then your father marry's a woman with a daughter my age and while all living under the same roof....the only time i am spoken to or acknowledge is if i'm being given orders or getting yelled at or being made to feel bad (to the point of tears) just for asking for $1.10 to be able to have lunch. (and all while knowing my father, the one bringing me to tears from guilt for asking, spent all night at the bar buying his buddies and girls drinks with his "last" whatever money he had.

the only time i recieved any positive attention....was when i over-achieved. And that came when my father would brag to his buddies about what his teenage daughter had accomplished.

but that was always short-lived attention. i quickly faded.....and with it so did i.
Once again, i became the step-daughter and step-sister who was so unworthy as to be said hello to, talked to like i existed and was such a horrible person that i deserved to be treated like i didn't even belong in my own home....the one i was raised in.

i had no home.
i know little of what a true home feels like.
i had a place to live, but never a home.

and my dad still can't understand why i had enough of him and his drinking to finally say enough 2 years ago and stop talking to him. I have no relationship with him....and he gets my sister to try to make me feel guilty by telling me "you know he still doesn't understand why you don't want to talk to him."

how can he be human and not understand that any time he is in my life he creates pain than i can not continuously bare as a result of his constant selfishness. hell....he still blames me to my face about the problems we had when i was a teenager. My first boyfriend may have been a horrible person, but he treated me like gold compared to my own family...and he stuck by me and made me feel good about myself from time to time - and for no other reason than for me being ME!!!

of course i was going to be a rebelious teen when he tried to take that away from me...the only person I felt gave a real damn. that boyfriend was the ONLY person who WANTED me in his life -- rather than being shown in everyway that i was completely unwanted and a burden to everyone else.

yes....depressed...i'm depressed.

i tried to ignore that yesterday was father's day, but the media makes that hard sometimes. i hate to think of there being an entire day set aside to honor a man who could let me grow up feeling so unworthy of love that i can't even love myself.

all i can see is myself through my father's eyes as i experienced them.
i am only someone when i do something great
i am only worthy of attention when i draw attention away from others by doing better
i am ONLY what i can accomplish.

without goals...i am nothing.