[ksos]

One of the manifestations of my Bi-Polar Disorder is becoming involved with drugs, spending money, internet porn or, in this case which I'm writing about, women. Not in a physical sense, believe it or not, but via the telephone or e-mail and, actually my marital problems began when I re-established phone contact with an old lover of mine in 1995. I was subsequently hospitalized after "crashing" from her not calling me anymore back then and I hadn't spoke to her since. That is, until February of this year.

It is twenty years since I had seen this woman, but I never, ever forgot her. I was 19 years old and she was 26, married with a son, when we met in University. We became fast friends and approximately a year later, she left her husband. Our relationship was strickly platonic at first but that, of course, changed. I soon moved in with her and we lived together for about 8 months. To make a long story short, she went back with her husband, eventually moved to another state, and, like I said, we never saw each other again.

I rekindled a phone relationship with her this year after I relapsed. The fact of the matter is that I never forgot her and thought of her pretty often. The original relationship was highly sexualized without much substance, really, but the reality for me was that she turned me on. Big time.

The phone calls turned into long e-mails, which I received at work, and we still kept in touch on the phone once a week. Why I am writing this is that today, I received an e-mail from her that said that she would not communicate with me anymore based on my separation. She didn't come off as angry, but I sensed that she was assuming responsibility for my current problems. I looked at the computer screen and couldn't believe what she had wrote. I guess she is doing the right thing, but just one week before she sent me a long note describing...well, let's put it this way, having a sexual relationship with me again.

I am feeling depressed and happy about this right now. I know that today I am doing okay and I don't need this type of junk in my life, but, at the same time, I feel such loss. She always said we were soul mates and now she wrote me saying that she still has a place for me in her heart, but that I should get back with my wife and that she was in the way.

I'm probably feeling lonely as it's going on four months that I've been apart from my spouse. I just don't know why I do these things, getting involved with these ridiculous relationships which never amount to anything, but pain. And the sick thing is I always throw out the good ones.

K