[etherial]

A few weeks ago I basically said "screw it" and started drinking again after 8 years and 8 months sobriety from alcohol. There have been several personal stressors lately which helped to trigger the relapse (no excuse though), plus I just got tired of the state of the world and trying to act like things will ever get better, personally or globally.

But really, it was a mostly hellish period of sobriety, filled with more dissappointment and loss than the time when I was drinking before.

Looking back on the time I was sober, I CANNOT honestly say that my life got better - besides losing the obvious physical and mental pain that goes with addiction. In those 8+ years I ruined 3 (yes 3) marriages, have drifted around constantly, lost contact with my kids (who I dearly love), and mostly annoyed everybody I have come in close contact with to such a degree that they never want to talk to me again. Basically, I feel like worse of a freak sober than not.

I know I have something going on other than addiction, but I don't know where to start, who to trust, and what to do to find a diagnosis. I have been diagnosed (beginning in my early 20's) with ADHD, bi-polar, OCD, dysthymia - depending on the physician I talked to, and what seemed to be the "en vogue" condition from the medical literature during that particular time. I also suffered a considerable amount of head trauma (different incidents) when I was younger.

I have taken meds before, with little success. Lithium (lowest possible dosage) kept me calm, but I also slept 12-hours a day, and frittered my life away - no job, little productivity around the house. Depakote didn't really seem to do much of anything that I remember, except maybe produce some obscure buzzing sound in my head. Prozac pushed me to the edge of psychosis. Dexedrine worked FABULOUSLY, but my tolerance built up so fast, it was worthless after a few weeks, unless I agreed, based on the doctor's advice, to become a speed freak (which I didn't). Wellbutrin landed me in the ER room with extremely dangerous heart rhythms.

I'm very, very sick of being a nutty, flighty, counter-productive person who depends on the good nature of others to survive, but am not sure how to go about figuring out what is wrong with me, and if there is possibly medication that will help me become a decent, whole person. I tried long-term, stone-cold recovery, and it didn't work for me. I was a mess, and still am (now in the process of destroying marriage #5).

Anyway... I know that was a rant, but I would love to hear any advice or stories or suggestions from people who may have been through similar circumstances. Tell me what you did to get better, if you don't mind.

I'm tired of living this way. Really.