[Elana]

Today and yeasterday I have been revisiting the past. I feel sad by some of this, but I expect this as part of healing.

First of all, I found out XABF is moving out of State to "Philadelphia." This is fine.. and we all assume he is moving to PA, but in reality, and knowing him, he could be moving to Philadelphia in TN, AL, NY, MO, MS.... IOW that would be like him if he does not say the STATE.. just the city. He stays in denial and addiction. I find this sad

This has lead me to look at the last 6 years and I will have to say.. that ignorance can be bliss, but when the chickens come home to roost and you are whisked into reality (he is an addict) and out of ignorance it is harsh. We had a lot of good times in the 6 years.. went across the country 5 times and doing photography was fun. I admit I miss that, tho I will do it on my own now and be fine. I have friends now that I did not have and I have connections and people in my life.. and God.

However, I admit I do miss having a relationshiup and on that front I have a lot of distance to go yet and a lot of work.. and "miles to go before I sleep." I never want to redefine me for another person again and I admit I am afraid of relationships because I fear doing that. The damage done by this last relationship makes me sad. However, I know now that this is part of healing (it has been all of 8 months, so the scars are new, tho the woulnds have healed.. and there is still some pain to get past) and I know this will work itself out and I am as fine as I decide to be.

I also took Atka to the vet today to be spayed. This is the vet practice I have dealt with for 20 years.. I know the vets and I know them really well. We have laid in the mud and the straw side by side attempting to save a cow or a calf or some other animal. So, of course, they are Atka's vets.

Driving to the Vet clinic I passed thru the familiar farm region where I lived for a long time. I smelled the hay ready to be mowed and the sweet smell of the flowering BedStraw (a weed with tiny yellow and with flowers and no feed value) amongst the flowering Timothy. I looked across the green fields and longed so for my farm. I expect that loss is one I may never get past completely.

To get to work from the Vet Clinic after dropping off Atka, I drove past "my" farm and I realized (again) just how intimately I know that land. No one today knows that land as I do.. and the tenant farmer had some Jersey Cross heifers out there on grass. It all looked the same as it did when I ran it.. and the sun was streaking molten across the "tractor Lot" and the "hill Lot" and the "Gravel lot" and I thought how each place had earned its name. Even the trees in the hedgerow were the same.

The sweet smell of the fields wafted into my window and I realized how easy it would be for me to completely louse up my life financially and walk back onto a dairy farm and do that work. Well, the work wouldn't be EZ but the life would.. it fit me well.

And thru the last 26 years of my life I realized and recognized how the natural course of the land and the animals have made the fabric of my life today. I am sometimes undiplomatic in my approach to people.. and I often lack patience with them... tho I seem to have hours and days of patience and forgiveness when it comes to animals. I wonder at the fabric of my life and see it as a whole cloth and am amazed I actually survived as well as I have. In fact, I nearly did not and I am grateful today that I have.

I went on to work.. over roads I had ridden on horse back.. more miles and more horses than most people walk! And I recalled all the days of my life as bittersweet mixed with joy, much like the wafting scent of the blooming Catalpa trees I passed under.

Catalpa trees draped with white flowers as softly sweet to smell as life itself even as the blossoms fall in cascades to the ground below.