[HKAngel24]

Hello all-

Much has been going on this week. I have begun working full-time in addition to taking two grueling summer classes that each last six weeks and whose intensity is nearly out of control. I am feeling overwhelmed and actually becoming nervous that I may allow the abf's behavior to jeporadize my sanity when I feel pushed to my limit.

Seems whenever I think I'm doing well, putting myself first, "Acting as if" etc. some turn of events occurs and I feel just as crazy and insane as I did weeks ago. Frustrating and discouraging.

I still find myself yearning for some validation from him, although I know it's completely ridiculous to expect an addict to give me what I need. As always, he is playing the "I am clean this time for real" card and I feel as though I slide in and out of super sleuth mode. I am not participating in the antics that I use to - the extent of the obsessing and worrying, but I still find myself returning there.
It's difficult to be patient with oneself as they begin to cycle through awareness and acceptance and than bounce back and forth between the two. It's as though I KNOW I need to put significant space between the two of us in order for me to significantly detach but it is as though my mind does not want to let go of old programming that I need his presence in my life, love, attention and validation to survive. It's as though subconciously I dupe myself into believing that maybe he can return to normalcy and maybe he is serious THIS time.

Last night after the long day I had, I came home and made dinner, worked on the computer for a bit. Then I went to bed and tried to read, but I kept becoming overwhelmed by the knots of anxiety in my stomach because I KNOW his behavior patterns. I KNOW that if he is not using he would have called by now and if he is doing something he does not want anyone to know about- he will not. I had to regulate the panic by talking to myself and it was not easy. Eventually I got to bed, but woke up half way through the night and talked to him where I eventually just broke down in tears and kept repeating how foolish I felt.
I keep hoping I am where I am suppose to be, even though it feels like uncertain terrain. I am slowly accepting the situation, but still holding on to alot.
Just wanted to write my thoughts.
Thanks for letting me share.