[Sugah]

discovering me, I told those kinds of lies when I was drinking...and continued to tell them when I was newly sober...and justified them in a number of ways.

"I need to be gentle with myself, and that means I must stay home, but I can't explain this to so&so, so I'll lie."

"If anyone really knew what my life was like, they'd understand."

"Lying about this won't hurt them, and it shouldn't hurt me because, well, I'm me!"

"If I lie, they'll feel sorry for me and won't expect as much from me."

I'm sure you can come up with a whole pile of self-talk that goes on in your head when you tell a lie or make an excuse. I know I still can, but that doesn't mean I listen to it.

It took recognizing where that self-talk was coming from in order to change it. Guess what? 99% of it was my ego. I had/have this inflated sense of self-importance that tells me that others around me should cut me a break, feel sorry for me, give me special privileges and let me duck responsibility.

By working the steps of the program with a sponsor, I was able to look at where my ego led me and how it kept me sick. With the help of my HP and a desire to walk in the sunlight, not having to look over my shoulder to see if those lies (and the next drink) were catching up with me, I was able to begin to acknowledge the thoughts when they came and do the right thing in spite of them.

I learned some of these things in self-help books over the years, but I continued to drink. If you're anything like I am, you may find you need sober folks around you to keep you accountable -- and trust in a HP to help you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Oh, btw, I went back to school two years sober (at age 36), and I just finished my junior year. It took some practice in that atmosphere not to give in to the urge to tell lies and make excuses before it became second nature. I'm considered reliable and trustworthy by faculty and other students now -- something that STILL blows my mind when I stop to think about it!

Peace & Love,
Sugah