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This will sound harsh..
You have control, total control over your feelings, your thoughts and your actions. I have read your message and I hear you sitting on the pity pot.
Sorry I have read your threads and I do understand where you have been and what you have gone through. It is terrible, I know! You have actually answered most of your own questions if you read it again.
You dont hear anything or see anything because you choose not to. The numbness has taken over. They dont hate you, they are your family and they dont blame you. You blame you. They sound like one mixed up bunch of people but that does not have to be you. You can, I know you can move forward. Stop looking for an excuse to join their madness, look for an excuse to move on.
Write down the good things about yourself. Dont even look at what you think its bad. You only think bad thoughts because you cant handle it right now.
Do you have any good friends you can lean on.
Listen to what people are saying on here. Everyone will have different ideas and that is great. Actually take in what they say.
Chin Up.
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