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Hey HK, I've been hanging in there the last couple of days, as I posted the other day, I lost my kitty cat last Friday and I was devastated, she was my little baby and my best friend through my break up with my ExABF. I've had my share of losses this year and it isn't even half way over yet. I wanted to call him last night but I went out with some friends to a restaurant, even though I didn't want to but felt better once I was there, and I didn't call him. At least for that day. It's too hard to think that I may never see him again in a normal and at least semi-sober state. He's so far gone but I miss him everyday and wish we were back together.
I exercise a lot, to keep my mind healthy. That helps more than anything. Sometimes I have to force myself to go but about 5 minutes into it, I'm good.
I've also been writing down all of the bad stuff over the last few months so that I remember exactly how bad it has really been, it's too easy for me to forget and hold on to only the good. I read it often, like the other night when I was thinking ..well, maybe it's not that bad...but then I read the details I've written and it brings me back to the way I felt when I saw him. I felt bad enough the last time that I remember never wanting to contact him again but here I am, wanting to see how he's doing again only 2 weeks later after I saw him last.
I think i'm in denial that he's not smoking crack all the time, as if smoking it at all is acceptable. I feel disappointed in myself for looking back again and missing the times before the crack. I believe he'll stay on the road he's on too long, longer than I have time to wait.
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