[bonbon]

I already know some of this will be negative so just overlook me. I already know my self esteem issues with my weight. I have been in the cycle of trying to find time to work out, my work schedule gets very hectic at times which really can frustrate me, plus a new baby takes alot of time as well. I guess you could say it took me seeing 228 on the scale this am for motivation. Along with my fiance gawking at the ladies as we were out and about this weekend. Which why should I blame him, I look like **** so he should check out things that look better than what he sees at home right??? (I know, bad stinkin thinkin, I know)

Needless to say that crap really angers me when I see him doing that "manly" thing. He has never told me to loose weight, nor has he ever made me feel bad about my weight, but he doesnt realize when he "without thinking" does that it really hurts my FEELINGS, those I do have. I think yep, my ass may not look exactly in shape, I toted a baby around for 9 months and Im a little out of shape yes. But dont disrespect me by outwardly LOOKING or CHECKING out the ladies right in front of me. Someone please tell me I am not stupid for feeling bad when he does that to me. I guess what I am trying to say is that Ive had this weight issue thing going on for a long time, since my teens. I used to weigh over 300 pounds, lost 100 of it, looked and felt like a million bucks. Met someone, had a baby and gained 40 of it back and trust me I feel every bit of it in the biggest way. Im terrible on myself.

So for me I guess this was somewhat of a kick in the butt for me to get started, I didnt let him know how he made me feel, but deep down it did hurt.

I'll do this. I can break my addiciton to food, I did it before, can I do it again? I hope. Heres to getting at least 50 pounds off of me, I hope I can accomplish. I hope to be able to write about my ups and downs here if its ok. For today, I feel ugly and un attractive. I feel fat in the worst form. I hate the disease of overeating and obsesity.