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hi- i can relate to your feelings. is there any way you can get separation? go stay somewhere else for a few weeks, have no contact with your AH so you can reestablish your sense of self? if not, try to make it to an alanon meeting, keep posting here, call friends-- don't think you are crazy-- i hung in there until my husband left-- it didn't get too bad before he left, but it is scary- i think i might have hung in there for way longer than i should-- i know because when there were things going on that were not acceptable, i didn't leave/was afraid to make an issue of those things because i didn't want him to leave me-- and he did anyway. you don't have to figure all of this out TODAY-- you don't need to beat yourself up for finding yourself in a bad situation- it took a long time to get there- little things happened to let things go in a way we aren't happy with now-- so maybe little things will happen to get to a place where we will be happy. my husband is sober and gone- i miss him, am lonely-- but, i can take my dog for a walk, exercise, try to eat well- i moved my tv out onto the porch, and haven't watched it for a few weeks-- i think that has helped me- i would turn it on to have noise-- when my husband was here and drinking, we'd watch movies- it was something we shared, but it sure is easy sitting in front of a machine- you don't need to talk/it makes time pass- anyway, i am hoping/banking on the fact that i will feel better so long as i move forward- i'm sorry you are in so much pain, but maybe the pain will direct us to a better way of living. keep posting- there are people here who understand very well what you're going through i think.
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