[appleblaster]

((((((huuuuuugs)))))))

"There really should be a rehab for friends and family of alcoholics."
There is.....al-anon and guess what....its free! All you have to do is show up.

"I am nothing with him, but I fear I would be even less without him, if that's possible."
Okay so you cannot get less than nothing so that's a start. Baby steps. Its okay to take baby steps because although they are not huge strides, they move forward just the same. If you can gain one grain of courage then one grain of knowledge then you are on your way!! But of course you will stay until you hit your bottom. I hate to see you do that.

"I don't know if anything physical even happened between them, but it clearly seems like the intent was there."
Let me put it to you another way....its clear that you're resentful towards him (with good reason) so chances are you are not as good of a supply as you used to be to him. A supply of what you may ask? Sex, love, appreciation, joy, acceptance, friendship, money, everything. Alcoholics need a huge supply of these things and they will move to another supply once they exhaust the old one. Its a formula....any alcoholic will tell you....they consume. That's just what they do. If she will tolerate him and not yell then he will hang with her. If she gives him sex then he will hang with her. It could really be as innocent as friendship and his farce of her "understanding him" is really just his joy at finding a fresh supply. But if he is indeed cheating....that's just a dealbreaker and you don't really need a better reason to leave.

"I know I should leave, but don't. He knows and admits that he shouldn't drink, but does. Maybe we deserve each other. Misery loves company right?"
I used to think like that. If you leave you will be scared. You will be lonely for a time. That's okay. Find everything you can to take up your time....good constructive things. Al anon meetings will take up time. Again, you will stay until you just can't anymore unless you gain clarity and leave.

One day you will look back on this and not bash yourself for what you allowed yourself to be put through. You will love yourself and forgive yourself for not taking better care of yourself and your spirit. You will have compassion for him too without feeling the need to help, fix or take anymore of his bullsh*t. You will feel okay with the guidance of your Higher Power and you'll know...........that this was all in your Higher Power's plan all along. Until then remember that no matter what you might think, you are much more valuable than you know. What made it stick for me is hearing that my Higher Power does not waste time making worthless people and surely you must have an important role in this world if you're still here.