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Do I love him? I honestly don't know. I don't even know who he is as a sober husband anymore - and I don't mean just abstaining from drinking that day/days with all the retraint that he can muster, I mean really sober. I guess I love what I thought, or hoped, our life together was going to be - financial security, a nice house, kids, friends - as normal a life as anyone could hope for with manageable stress/chaos. And it's none of that.
Do I love me? No. I absolutely loathe the person I have become, that I have allowed myself to become. It's a wonder that I don't drink. I have felt second best to alcohol for so many years and on top of that, to some codependent bimbo that he met in rehab that "understands him" and really just wants to help him get well. And what the heck do I want? For him to continue drinking?!? I guess my own self-esteem may be getting in the way of me letting go of this marriage.
Could we ever be happy (without the drinking)? I always thought I could learn to forgive his behavior while drinking...up until the "other woman" from rehab. That was about a month ago and I have been sitting on this seething rage ever since. I don't know if anything physical even happened between them, but it clearly seems like the intent was there.
The answer is clear. My lack of strength to do what is clearly best for me is as frustrating and irrational as his continued drinking. There really should be a rehab for friends and family of alcoholics. I feel sicker and more out of control than him. I know I should leave, but don't. He knows and admits that he shouldn't drink, but does. Maybe we deserve each other. Misery loves company right?
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