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WhatAboutME · 04-18-2007, 02:02 PM

I am truly at the very lowest point of my entire life. I feel completely defeated, and really ready to just give up. I have always considered myself a strong, independent person - well before life w/ my AH anyway. Things are just so bad right now. He has no job. We have no money, yet he still finds the means to drink. He is verbally abusive - sober or drunk. And I don't mean name-calling, etc. He's just mean. If it wasn't for you...The last 10 years with you have been misery, no wonder I drink... I know it's the alcohol. But I really do believe that I no longer feel like I deserve better than this. I feel like maybe I am what he says. I certainly have played my part in this disease. I am deeply ashamed by many, if not most, of the things that I have done and said with regard to his drinking. I have screamed, threatened, belittled, thrown his stuff out the door, thrown him out the door (well just gave him a friendly "push" really), etc., etc., etc. My actions have certainly been just as bad/destructive as his drinking. Sometimes I actually want him to talk his talk in the hopes that it will finally give me that push that I so desperately need to get the hell out of this nightmare marriage. Did I just write that? I WANT him to verbally belittle me?!? Forget what is wrong with him, what is wrong with me? I just don't know. I don't know what I am afraid of. Living alone. Being alone. Never having a real family (I am 35, we have no kids). Never meeting anyone else. Chaos has become my comfort zone.

After my husband was d/c from his last stay in rehab, he ran off for a few days to stay with a "friend" that just happened to be a woman that he met in rehab. I actually drove to her house and picked him up. I absolutely hate myself for being so weak. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of this. I am truly a fool and all but gave him permission to treat me like such. For so many years I have been second best to the alcohol and finally to another woman, excuse me "friend".

I know what I need to do. I just can't figure out what has kept me from taking that step. I just needed to get some of this out. At this point, I truly believe I am worse off than my husband. At least he gets to drink and zone out for a bit. Thanks for listening. This week has been so bad.

04-18-2007, 02:02 PM	#1 (permalink)
WhatAboutME Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Jacksonville, FL Posts: 240	My Bottom I am truly at the very lowest point of my entire life. I feel completely defeated, and really ready to just give up. I have always considered myself a strong, independent person - well before life w/ my AH anyway. Things are just so bad right now. He has no job. We have no money, yet he still finds the means to drink. He is verbally abusive - sober or drunk. And I don't mean name-calling, etc. He's just mean. If it wasn't for you...The last 10 years with you have been misery, no wonder I drink... I know it's the alcohol. But I really do believe that I no longer feel like I deserve better than this. I feel like maybe I am what he says. I certainly have played my part in this disease. I am deeply ashamed by many, if not most, of the things that I have done and said with regard to his drinking. I have screamed, threatened, belittled, thrown his stuff out the door, thrown him out the door (well just gave him a friendly "push" really), etc., etc., etc. My actions have certainly been just as bad/destructive as his drinking. Sometimes I actually want him to talk his talk in the hopes that it will finally give me that push that I so desperately need to get the hell out of this nightmare marriage. Did I just write that? I WANT him to verbally belittle me?!? Forget what is wrong with him, what is wrong with me? I just don't know. I don't know what I am afraid of. Living alone. Being alone. Never having a real family (I am 35, we have no kids). Never meeting anyone else. Chaos has become my comfort zone. After my husband was d/c from his last stay in rehab, he ran off for a few days to stay with a "friend" that just happened to be a woman that he met in rehab. I actually drove to her house and picked him up. I absolutely hate myself for being so weak. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of this. I am truly a fool and all but gave him permission to treat me like such. For so many years I have been second best to the alcohol and finally to another woman, excuse me "friend". I know what I need to do. I just can't figure out what has kept me from taking that step. I just needed to get some of this out. At this point, I truly believe I am worse off than my husband. At least he gets to drink and zone out for a bit. Thanks for listening. This week has been so bad.