[prodigal]

I think so many of us are between the proverbial rock and a hard place; it hurts to stay, it hurts to go. I read so frequently "... but I love him." I imagine there is something left that could be called "love", but I often wonder what's left to love of the A after so many years. We tolerate abuse, craziness, instability, irresponsibility, and we frequently minimize the unacceptable behaviors. Or we defend them. Or we ignore them. Or we accept responsibility for them. We end up just as crazy as they are.

I never realized how far into the vortex I had been sucked until I looked at a trashbag filled with slips of credit card receipts last week. I was always a very organized, tidy person. I got things done. I had a good job. I had my own apartment. I was in debt and I was poor, but I was working at getting back my financial "health." Now I have a bag full of credit card receipts that I tote around in the trunk of my car. Two years ago, I always kept all the slips in their appropriate files and stapled them to the monthly statements when I received them.

That was then, this is now. You may be scratching you head and saying to yourself, "What the heck does a bag of credit cards have to do with pain?" That's just it. The pain took over so much of my life that the motivated, energetic, and very tidy (okay, anal) person was squished out and eventually moved somewhere else ...