Every day I say to myself, tommorow I'll change. To be more specific, as I get to bed at 3 to 4 in the morning, after wasting my day, I promise that when I wake in the morning, something about me will change. Every morning, my greatest intentions evaporate before I even hit the shower. Instead of putting my time into what I not only should but WANT to - I get stuck. I just don't. I procrastinate. I put off. I mess up priorities. Each day, thinking - just one more day, just one more careless day - and then I'll focus.
The hardest part will be giving up. I already have a form of temporary happiness. I think to myself, if I don't change, how will my life end up - and as long as I can keep doing what I'm doing now, I sometimes don't even think I care. It stimulates me in every way. It's the perfect, all encompassing escape from any and every problem, even itself. And boy, did I and do I use it. I lie to my family and few friends about it. I try to hide it. I tell people, work takes up a lot of time. I'm a busy person. I sometimes even crave it. I'm a lazy person by nature and it's just the perfect way to procrastinate.
I see the way it's made my life - empty. I'm the guy that could have had it all - but threw it away. Each day I see more and more around me that I either lost or never had an opportunity to pursue. And whats worse is that I see the road forward. If I do not make this change, all that lies ahead of me is desolation. I will have nothing, I'll only survive. Not even in the distant future but in the year ahead, I can see it ruining my life, completely and utterly. It hurts to see my life slip away due to some damaging and frivolous waste of time. Every once in a while I am allowed to have a glimpse into what I could have had - almost a taste - only to have it snatched away.
So what do I propose on changing? First of all would be to spend my time productively. Catch up on work. Try to restore old friendships, or start new ones. Go get some excercise. Hell, read a book. Try to find something or someone meaningful in life that will help me grow.
To be fair to myself, I'd have to rebuild my life from scratch if I go through with this. Imagining suddenly having to spend 24 hours of a day actually doing something instead of 1. Another thing which makes it harder is that I do not see anything for me if I stop - at least now I have something that I'm happy doing. To be honest I do have enough to do in my time. Just catching up on work is enough to keep me going for the rest of the year. But that's not the way I want to spend my 'new' life. I feel I need to keep something to myself... but I don't think there can be anything like only a little. An afternoon so quickly turns into a day, or a week.
I think just putting this up somewhere will give me somewhere to report to. Kind of like making a commitment
