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tryingtolive · 03-07-2007, 03:30 PM

I can't help but feel that I have Borderline Personality. It has gotten to the point that I am obsessed with it and I spend hours somedays reading about it looking for evidence that I don't have it. I am a young male age 23 and a senior in college. I have not felt good for about 5 years. Although I have seen psychologists and psychiatrits mentioned it, they say they didn't get that impression. But I haven't talked to them much yet. Here are some of my thoughts and feelings:

I have this sort of “brain fog”, this prevents me from thinking clear and thinking quickly sometimes. It’s hard to explain. (I am now on Strattera and the fog has gone away which is nice!)

I am not comfortable in most social situations. I am always nervous about what I am going to say or how I will be received by people. Other people don't seem to notice that I am nervous or that there is anything wrong with me. I still force myself to go and try because I don't like to sit at home.

I have pretty low self esteem but I try to convince others that I don't. I put on a front when I go out. I am pretty sure people can see through it, but its not like I can talk about what is really on my mind. No one wants to hang around with someone who’s head is a mess.

I always am comparing my life to my friends lives. It makes me feel better when i hear people aren't doing as well as me in school or whatever. It makes me feel better about myself when I know others are suffering too. I don't like that about myself.

I am very good at taking someone apart. By that I mean that if they **** me off I can instantly deliver a low blow and pick apart their self esteem by pointing out how much of a failure they are in certain areas. Although, I am very nice most of the time. Someone has to set me off.

I want people to like me. Well, I guess a better way to say that would be that I don't want anyone to not like me. I am a sensitive person.

Sometimes I have strange and unwanted thoughts that come into my head. Like thoughts of suicide and how I would do it. If I did die, who would even bother to show up to my funeral?

I do think that if I could ever get this constant feeling to go away I could do so many great things and really enjoy life.

Sometimes I am not really sure who I am. Or maybe depression and anxiety that seem to overshadow it. I don’t know, I am very confused. I feel lost and have for a while.

I sometimes think that other people are talking bad about me when I am not around. Like saying I am weird, strange, or boring.

I am always trying to perceive what others are thinking (not just about me, but about everything).

I have not been able to make many close friends at school these past few years because of the way I feel. I joined a fraternity but would often stay in my room because I was to uncomfortable to go hangout with people.

Yes, I have read the DSM criteria for BPD about 43,664,255 times and can meet some criteria. I just don't get how extreme the behavior has to be.

With abandonment issues I don't make frantic efforts (whatever that really means) to avoid being alone. In fact I have been alone for a lot of the time (often researching about mental health on the computer to find out why the eff I feel the way I do). I don't need to always be around someone. If I have a girlfriend, which I don't (how can I feeling like this?), in the past it always makes me feel better when she calls, or does something for me. It is like reasurrance that she likes me and cares for me. I suppose that could be just insecurity. The last real girlfriend I had was a while ago. I have had flings here but one of them was more of just a hook up and the other one I was with out of lonliness. I never really liked her from the start and I knew that. I feel bad for doing that to her. I broke up with her after a few weeks. There was another girl that I kinda liked and hooked up with but I think maybe I came on too strong. I was a drunken mess when we hungout and think I tried to rush things because I was pretty lonely and wanted to be with someone. I tried to take her out to dinner one time, she said yes but when I called to tell her what time I would pick her up she never answered. She basically stood me up. I saw her later and she said that she just wasn't sure if she wanted to go on a date. This confused me because she said yes earlier. Who knows?

I never have burned myself, cut myself, or self injured. Unless popping pimples is self injurying?

I know people here aren't doctors but what do you all think is going on with me?

I know many people here read and don't respond but I would greatly appreciate many responses and other people's input.

03-07-2007, 03:30 PM	#1 (permalink)
tryingtolive Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: No. VA Posts: 167	Question for people who know about BPD I can't help but feel that I have Borderline Personality. It has gotten to the point that I am obsessed with it and I spend hours somedays reading about it looking for evidence that I don't have it. I am a young male age 23 and a senior in college. I have not felt good for about 5 years. Although I have seen psychologists and psychiatrits mentioned it, they say they didn't get that impression. But I haven't talked to them much yet. Here are some of my thoughts and feelings: I have this sort of “brain fog”, this prevents me from thinking clear and thinking quickly sometimes. It’s hard to explain. (I am now on Strattera and the fog has gone away which is nice!) I am not comfortable in most social situations. I am always nervous about what I am going to say or how I will be received by people. Other people don't seem to notice that I am nervous or that there is anything wrong with me. I still force myself to go and try because I don't like to sit at home. I have pretty low self esteem but I try to convince others that I don't. I put on a front when I go out. I am pretty sure people can see through it, but its not like I can talk about what is really on my mind. No one wants to hang around with someone who’s head is a mess. I always am comparing my life to my friends lives. It makes me feel better when i hear people aren't doing as well as me in school or whatever. It makes me feel better about myself when I know others are suffering too. I don't like that about myself. I am very good at taking someone apart. By that I mean that if they **** me off I can instantly deliver a low blow and pick apart their self esteem by pointing out how much of a failure they are in certain areas. Although, I am very nice most of the time. Someone has to set me off. I want people to like me. Well, I guess a better way to say that would be that I don't want anyone to not like me. I am a sensitive person. Sometimes I have strange and unwanted thoughts that come into my head. Like thoughts of suicide and how I would do it. If I did die, who would even bother to show up to my funeral? I do think that if I could ever get this constant feeling to go away I could do so many great things and really enjoy life. Sometimes I am not really sure who I am. Or maybe depression and anxiety that seem to overshadow it. I don’t know, I am very confused. I feel lost and have for a while. I sometimes think that other people are talking bad about me when I am not around. Like saying I am weird, strange, or boring. I am always trying to perceive what others are thinking (not just about me, but about everything). I have not been able to make many close friends at school these past few years because of the way I feel. I joined a fraternity but would often stay in my room because I was to uncomfortable to go hangout with people. Yes, I have read the DSM criteria for BPD about 43,664,255 times and can meet some criteria. I just don't get how extreme the behavior has to be. With abandonment issues I don't make frantic efforts (whatever that really means) to avoid being alone. In fact I have been alone for a lot of the time (often researching about mental health on the computer to find out why the eff I feel the way I do). I don't need to always be around someone. If I have a girlfriend, which I don't (how can I feeling like this?), in the past it always makes me feel better when she calls, or does something for me. It is like reasurrance that she likes me and cares for me. I suppose that could be just insecurity. The last real girlfriend I had was a while ago. I have had flings here but one of them was more of just a hook up and the other one I was with out of lonliness. I never really liked her from the start and I knew that. I feel bad for doing that to her. I broke up with her after a few weeks. There was another girl that I kinda liked and hooked up with but I think maybe I came on too strong. I was a drunken mess when we hungout and think I tried to rush things because I was pretty lonely and wanted to be with someone. I tried to take her out to dinner one time, she said yes but when I called to tell her what time I would pick her up she never answered. She basically stood me up. I saw her later and she said that she just wasn't sure if she wanted to go on a date. This confused me because she said yes earlier. Who knows? I never have burned myself, cut myself, or self injured. Unless popping pimples is self injurying? I know people here aren't doctors but what do you all think is going on with me? I know many people here read and don't respond but I would greatly appreciate many responses and other people's input.