please don't apologize! i have said the very same thing to people on this board...and north, YOU could never offend me
i'm sorry to hear you are unemployed, still...did you ever look at craigslist? what about monster or hotjobs? you know you can always pm, e mail, or call me and i will help you all i can
we have a bus, you know how it is...without money, we really have nowhere to go.
about daycare, they are both eligible, but right now there is no spot til june for jake (with the exception of spring break...next week, YAY, i get a break!) the problem is, i can't get on the bus with jake's stroller....and it's a little over a mile round trip that even with the bus i would have to carry him. he's just too heavy. believe me, if i could put jon in right now, i would, as i would jake. i have clearance, just no spot, and no way
i would love to come up there, but right now i am "familiar", and i have such a wonderful landlord
there again, about the motivation, i guess i was manic. after all that constant looking and applying, tho, i assume that threw me into the depression, i don't know. i do know that i don't have 1/3 of that motivation right now.
you kiss yours for me, too
about my mom...i don't really know what is going on with her. she was a valium addict when i was growing up...my dad is the one who cooked, took us to school, watch me cheerlead, etc. when i was 17, they split up and i went with her. i ended up quitting highschool as a valedictorian three weeks to graduation in order to work three jobs and support us.
then, when i was about 25, somewhere around there...after her FIFTH marriage, she had to work. she actually got out and about, had a great job, i have never and had never seen her like that. well, after about a year....she had this fatty tumor on her shoulder that she couldn't afford to get removed. so she literally told me that she was going to go into work on a saturday, and say some boxes fell on her shoulder. then she could claim workers comp and get it fixed for free. well, that day, she came home all injured and stuff (i had just separated from my husband and was living with her...this must have been around 95, earlier than i first said), and said lo and behold it had actually happened !!! (yeah, right). that was the last time she ever worked.
she had the surgery on her shoulder, and said it got all infected and ruined. she remarried (had to, of course), and soon went to have a nose job, but, uh oh, it got all infected, too.
over the next few years (and two marriages), she "had" everything from cancer, to aids, to "they don't know what's wrong with me"
i still don't know, i don't get it.
she stays in bed literally all the time(which is why i get so mad that i can't use her car). she was SO immobile, that the muscles in her thumbs atrophied, supposedly she got carpal tunnel, and had surgery on each hand. right prior to the surgeries, her hands would ball into fists and she couldn't open them (not funny, but at a young age, to get out of chores, miki would say "i can't mom, my hands won't open). around this time, i guess, she started on the fent patches and vicodin (had always, always been on darvocet and xanax). well, the surgeries fixed her hands, right? then they found some kind of immune disorder, and she gets IGG infusions every two months or so. supposedly has this severe gut pain (i think is from the narcotics), but noone can ever find anything. she's "sick" alot. has a lot of bladder infections and walks doubled over half the time. they added the suckers for i don't know what reason maybe about a year, two ago. then in the last six months, the oxy. the same doc prescribes all of this. she is too doped up to ever do anything, and always has a sucker in her mouth. even her husband has asked me what is going on....her hands are fixed, why is she still needing so much pain medication? it's always something different..."my gut, my bladder, my shoulder".....i couldn't tell you what is wrong with her, i don't know. right now, i don't know if there is anything wrong with her. all the tests, hospitalizations, etc, have all been negative, but this doctor just keeps on prescribing, and she keeps sucking.
it is very frustrating for me, cause i want all that medicine. i want to lay in bed all the time and have some guy take care of me.
well, not really, but i hope you get my drift.
she actually got out today and brought me some formula, after me begging and crying....before she left, i tried to explain to her what was going on with me, and how i wanted to kill myself....and instead of supporting me, she started talking about how she thought her husband might divorce her, and she couldn't help me right now, cause she was trying to help all of us (?) by staying married....
she's just no support at all. and when i tell her about my addiction, how i am craving something and so mad and all....she tells me "oh, i know, i am facing my own addiction and i know what you are going through". i want to tell her...you know what? you have no clue. you think i am so dramatic and nothing is wrong with me and you understand. well, let me go to your house, and not just take your vicodin, but take ALL your narcotics, then let's see how it feels. THEN you will understand. she thinks when she gets low on her suckers (but still has a bottle of oxy and boxes of patches), that she starts getting sick. she just has no clue.
anyway, that's my rant about mom.
see how much i've been posting.....it's the "rebound" from the depression. i'm not even tired, and need to go to bed.
i soooooooooo hate my life.
i am going to take a big step in a minute. you all know i hate asking for or accepting help. my "angel" was a big dilemma for me, i soooooooooo hated to accept the offer of help, but i had to put my kids before my pride. well, i am going to try to get up the nerve to ASK for some help. i know it's not a necessity, but jon's birthday is april 1. i am going to ASK a friend for some birthday money IF i don't have any when it rolls around. i don't quite have the courage up to ask yet (and i'm not asking my angel, this is another friend)....but i WILL pay it back, i'm not worried about that. and i know they will help me, i'm not worried about that. i just don't want to ask. do you think it's wrong if i do?
anyway, i'm gonna go eat, and try to get sleepy.
sweet dreams, all