Hey there LTD,
For me it wasn't a hole, or an empty spot. Like Ginger said, it's just a different target.
One of the big concept in recovery is that of a "character defect". A behavior that I do which is harmful. What I have learned is that a "character defect" is only _half_ the story. What I have is character _traits_, and when I use those traits incorrectly then it becomes a defect. But when I use those traits correctly it becomes a "virtue".
My caretaking trait is called the "knight in shining armor" complex. A lot of us guys seem to have that. It's really a type of _compassion_. When I use that trait to do for others what they can do for themselves it's called "enabling". Al-anon and all their wisdom have taught me how to _not_ enable.
When I use compassion to do for others what they can _not_ do for themselves it's called "kindness". Yesterday as I pulled into the parking lot I noticed one of our elderly caretakes pulling up in a beat up old car that was making all kinds of strange noises. I walked over and offered to take a look, helped him pop open the hood. The engine needs serious work and I offered to give him a ride after work if he needed it. Turned out he was able to find a relative to come get him.
Offering to help an old guy is the _same_ trait that I misused when I enabled my ex-A wife in her disease. The difference is in _how_ and _why_ I help others. When I enable I am "selling" my compassion in order to "get back" from others a bit of self-esteem, a bit of self-worth. If they need me then I must be worth something. When I am kind I am _giving_ my compassion without expecting anything in return. The feeling of self-worth that I give myself when I do that is far more powerful than anything another person could give me.
I still need to be needed. But I have filled that hole by changing _how_ I show compassion, and _why_ I help others. I have filled that hole by giving myself the self-esteem, instead of "buying" it thru enabling others.
Mike
