[LaTeeDa]

Well, after a good therapy session last evening and a follow-up phone call today, I am really feeling like I’m starting to have some clarity about my divorce.

I have known for some time that divorce is the right choice for me at this point in time. But, I have been struggling with why. Sometimes your gut tells you something is right, but your mind still wants to understand it. I think it all comes down to trust. I keep asking myself why I am not patient. He is changing—hell he stopped drinking, didn’t he? He’s also making other positive changes, but, but, but, why isn’t that enough for me? What kind of cold-hearted person am I to give up now, when he is finally trying to do the right things? Well, it’s because I see some revisionist history going on. Denying that certain things actually happened, or that they happened the way they did. I realize that some things are extremely painful to admit or deal with and I understand this is the reason for the denial. But I cannot trust that things will actually change if there is no acknowledgement of things that need to change. And I fear going back down that same old bumpy road. Simply put, I am more willing to face the fear of moving on, than the fear of possibly going back to where we were, even without the drinking.

There are other fears, as well. Fear of never finding love again. Fear of him actually changing in the ways I would like, after we’re divorced. Fear of losing half my financial assets. (that’s a big one!) Fear of regret, etc. etc. etc. These, I can deal with by simply asking what is the worst that could happen if the fear were to come true. Once I look at it rationally, I realize that while some of these things might actually happen, and it would suck if they did, it still will not be the end of the world, or the end of me.

Okay, then the lessons. There are lessons for me in all of this and the biggest one seems to be—don’t do for others what they are capable of doing for themselves. Don’t caretake and control. I diminishes others and results in anger and resentment in me.

So far, so good. Then, the therapist hits me with this. Then what???? She says that the caretaking and controlling is something I grew up needing to do in order to survive and feel good about myself. And if I stop “needing to be needed” it will leave a hole. An empty spot that will need to be filled.

So, once again, I am asking for wisdom from those of you who have traveled further along this recovery road than me. Have you dealt with this? When you stopped controlling and rescuing, did you replace those needs with something healthy? Or have you managed to use those traits in a way that makes them an asset instead of a liability? It would really help me to hear others experiences with this as I go about trying to figure out my own path. As always, your opinions and wisdom are much appreciated.

L