[Cynay]

Ahhhh sweetie....

Yea, there are a few things I can see that you probablly could have done different.... but lets start with this.

I just never thought I'd hurt the one man I loved. But I ended up causing him insomnia becuase his mind and gut was telling his heart us dating itsn't right.

That is BS. You did not hurt him, you are not God and you can NOT make another person feel anything. If he is telling you that you are causing his insomnia then he is trying to manupliate you... make it your fault that he is struggling with his emotions.

I said I loved him too soon after he and his fiancee broke up. I think he felt pressured.

Again not your issue. He could have taken the time then to recover from the loss of his relationship... he made the "choice" to get involved. I have done this myself ... gotten involved with a man that was seperated a very short time and not even divorced as yet. He was very persistant in chasing me and I "wanted" to believe that he was over her and that marriage. SO yep I got involved and 9 months lated it ended. I knew better then to get involved, but I "choose" to do it anyway. So did he.

You are hurting enough with your own feelings .... Dont take on his issues too and start blaming yourself. So you told him you loved him.... The guy should be flattered rather then saying it was a mistake. Love is never a mistake, when given without expectation and there are many different forms of love....

It is my opinion that Love, in whatever form, is not shared often enough and no one in this world can have too many people that love them.

OK.. with that said lets take a look at what happened and how to help with your pain.

Im not at all sure you can completely control when you fall in love. I do however know that you have a choice on what action to take.... This is what concerns me.

When I am in a relationship I put my all into it and when it ends I get crushed and I find myself sinking again.

Are you also a recovering Alcoholic? As I see this (just my opinion) you probably put more then your "all" into the relationship. Being hurt when a relationship ends is normal... even a little depression, but it sounds to me like your whole life is tied up in this one man that does not even have one year sober yet. That is a dangerous game to play and dont tell me you cant help it, that is who you are cuz that is not true either.

I use to be the same way, I did not want to look at me, my career, parenting, basically my life. I would put my "all" into my SO and then sit back and expect to be happy, well not only was I not happy, he was not happy and my daughter was not happy. I was looking outside of myself to fix an inside job... The only way I would be happy is by taking the focus off him and putting it back on me. My recovery, growth, career and what it takes for me to love myself enough ... When you do this you will find that though endings hurt and we have to mourn them.... you do not fall as far into the depression pit.

Happiness really is something you have control over, you can "choose" to be happy. (assuming it is not medical)

I want to just drown myself in booze, it'll be easy to drink myself into numbness now because I am 21. I just hate myself for this.

I thought you were fighting the depression??? This is a depressant hon. Not only that but self destructive. Again its about Self Love. It took me many years of theraphy, recovery to finally figure that out. Take this month you have and work on your recover, work on becoming the person you want to be and take the focus off him.

Stop projecting the worse.... Im guilty of this too. Whatever is going to happen is in Gods hands not yours. I dated a man for awhile and thought it was a great relationship....I was also falling and happily so and the next thing I knew, out of the blue, he stopped seeing me. He told me that it was not about me it was about him. Needless to say I was very hurt and could not for the life of me figure out how something I thought was so good went so bad. But I did let go of the relationship and start to accept it was over.

Guess what

After 5 weeks we started to date again... Grant you it was much slower and there were some issues but just allowing him the space to deal with his issues gave him time to put things in perspective. I honestly think that is one reason he did come back to our relationship... I cared & respected him enough to want him to be happy .... even if that was not with me. Respect, Trust and Friendship are the foundation for a relationship sweetie. Give him that.

Let it go, work on you and sit back and see what God has planned... You just might be suprised.