[tryingtolive]

I started seeing a psychologist 2 weeks ago for depression and anxiety. She recommended that I see a psychiatrist and try meds again. And I am going to see one in a couple days. I have been on zoloft, lexapro, paxil, and welbutrin. I didn't notice much change, if any at all. I haven't been happy or feeling normal in over 5 years.

Now I was in college and drinking to get drunk on the weekends (and sometimes a couple weeknights) while taking these meds. Could this be the reason I haven't gotten better? I am going to give them a a try without drinking anything this time. IF ANYONE HAS EXPERIENCE WITH THESE MEDS PLEASE RESPOND. Anyone try them when they were drinking and then when they stopped they worked?? Please let me know.

I really hope they work because I don't know how close I am to giving up. Growing up I really enjoyed life (dispite the fact that I was doing drugs and drinking) and was pretty popular and well liked in high school although there were a couple of tough times. My senior year everything started to change and that continued in college. Here are some of the things I have been experiencing:

-BRAIN FOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When will this go away?? It is like looking at the world through binaculars that are out of focus. Reading and writing are pretty hard
-Feeling inferior to others, like im different and can't relate
-thinking “how did what I did or said look to him or her?”
-Analyze myself and how things went in a conversation. Always thinking "why did I say that" "I must have sounded so weired.
-Feeling doesn’t leave ever completely, some days I feel fine other days I want to be alone and not see anyone
- It's like my mind is off but always running around if that makes any sense
-What used to come natural to me now seems like hard work ex. Good conversation
-Some people have said that I am weird.
-Think people are talking about me or don't really want me to be there even when I'm invited over to a friends house. Even though they say stuff like "why didn't you come over?" or "i miss you" I still think that most people don't like me or that they they will find out what is wrong with me and then not like me because how could they?
-Mood swings. Sometimes because I try to blame others for the way I feel. (I try not to do this anymore because I know that other people have nothing to do with how ****** I feel. I just wish they could understand my pain)
-I constantly think about what is wrong with me and how can I get better.
-It is hard for me to have a good interpersonal conversation because it is so hard for me to concentrate on what the other person is saying because I am being so self concious of myself.
-question who I am or who I was meant to be. I have a vision of what I would like to be and where I would like to be. I just don't see me getting there if I can't get help.

The hardest part for me is the social aspect because I am a social person and do like being around others but it is just so hard and uncomfortable that sometimes I think why bother. I do force myself to do things because I know I will just feel worse if I stay in bed away from everyone all day.

My psychologist says this all sounds like a chemical imbalance but I don't know what to think anymore.


So I want, no I NEED, to know what you all think about my situation. Can any of you relate to this? Was is alcohol that prevented the SSRI's from working?

I am pretty desperate.