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my names amanda for those who dont know i havent been on here in a long time a few months in fact.since then ive had a birthday a new nephew and more problems then i care to count. so i geuss thats why im posting in newcomers again as u all know holidays are stressful for everyone well for me it start around fair day here in texas which is in september after that everything gets hectic atleast in my life because of all the parties and holiday baby showers wedding showers endless shopping almost no free time or privacy well its actually not as bad when im busy its around christmas when it settles down that it gets bad.... most years but this year was different i wasnt able to go everywhere and do all those things because i had to take care of my dad after each of his surgeries. we dont get along that great anyway but with him being home 9 weeks straight at a time it made things worse one night it got so bad that i waited until he went to bed and went to take ashower and just slashed my legs and stomach. when i was done i went out to the kitchen and took a hand full of vicodin and another of tylenol. i wanted it to end so badly but i didnt want it to be messy then id be accused of leaving work behind for my mom but i woke up the next morning with wat felt like a bad hangover. that day i went to my psychatrist and ended up telling him wat i did he could have cared less. then later that day i went to my therapist and told her and she said i needed to be evaluated at a hospital well we went that night to one but left before i saw a doctor. the next few night i took tylenol and vicodin but not as much chased by wine coolers and a little crownroyal or whiskey. i cut whenever i took a shower . im still poping pills and cutting occasionally and drinking im sinking in a hole i know it but i cant ******* stop. i just want it to end sometimes other times i want help but im to ashamed to get it. i just want to sit in the dark with my music alone forever and not have to think about it .
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