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My sponsor is against anti depressants and it doesn't help that I am scared to take them.
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Timtron, read page 133 in the BB of AA.
Please remember alcohol was but a symptom. Many of us, sober many years, do take Anti D's. There is nothing wrong with that. Go get evaluated by a certified therapist, couselor, or pysch doctor that is familiar with alcoholism.
Please remember anti depressants do not make you "high". They work on part of the brain to correct a 'chemical imbalance.' At 9 years sober I went totally and completely INSANE. I got into counselling with a pysch dr. that understood alcoholism and had worked with other alkies. It still took another 4 years of literally trial and error to find the one anti D that worked for me.
There is no reason to fear anti D's. I can tell you that 'the abyss' is now gone. I no longer feel like I am sinker deeper everyday and its closing over my head. Yes, I still have all my 'feelings' good and bad, and today I can accept them and feel them and move on.
You are not doing anything wrong!! With many of us, just working and living the steps is not enough. Many of us had 'chronic depression' and/or 'bipolar problems' before we became alcoholic and used alcohol to self medicate. Others of us developed the chronic depression and/or bipolar as a result of our alcoholism.
Please talk with a therapist and see if he/she can help you.
Also, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,