woo hoo, a part three, lol
as always, i am going to repost my background and the link to parts one and two. part one especially was very detailed about my withdrawals from a huge hydro and xanax habit. if you'd like to know what to expect, please check it out here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ome-detox.html
this is the first post i ever made here on SR:
first of all, let me say thanks for all being here, and hopefully being able to support me.
a bit of background.....11 years ago, i had a 100 pill a day vicodin habit that i sustained by forging prescriptions among other things (i was a nurse). i was put in jail, went cold turkey, but made it, then did eight months in a wonderful treatment center. i made it almost 9 years.
when i am sober, i am a very energetic, happy, funny person, which is why i never understand why i use to feel those things. however, i relapsed two plus years ago, and have used some substance every single day since then. i have ranged from xanax to clonopin, vicodin to ultram, st johns wort to fiorinal without codeine. my main problems? stress, anger, irritability, and inability to stay awake without "something". funny, all the things i'm not when i'm truly sober.
my use has been out of control the past few months, sometimes 15 mg of xanax a day, just trying to feel happy. sometimes 400mg of hydrocodone just to be awake enough to function.
let me mention here i am a single mom of four kids. the ten and three year olds have severe behavioral issues. i have a six year old, and also a six month old baby. i also work full time, hate my job, and am very financially stressed. this all makes the appeal of opiates, oh so much more intense. just that happy, "everything is ok" feeling, "i can do all this" for just a few hours has been worth it to me.
right now, the most trouble i am having is with tiredness. i can barely make it past eight pm, sometimes it's just pizza for dinner, then i get up with the baby twice, and even though i'm up at 530, i've GOT to lay down for that extra thirty minutes, and i'll still be mad when i wake up. then i have to find something to take to help me get up and moving as i have a very high tolerance for caffeine. i'm also aggravated by now, and realize i'm going to be spending a day yelling at my kids if i don't stop things now.
then comes work. the apathy. the just wanting to sit on the couch, cause if i don't have opiates, i don't want to do anything. then i have to figure out lies to tell my boss about not working, and figure what i'm going to do when bill time comes.
anyway, yes i'm tired of being a slave. i'm tired of spending all the money. i'm tired of feeling like i need something to wake up or be happy. but, in all honesty.....if i could get free unlimited opiates for the rest of my life, i would.
so, tonite, i have two milligrams of xanax, eight fiorinal without codeine and no money for more doctor visits or med. i am in a position where yes, i want to quit, albeit frustrating, but i also HAVE to.
i cannot go inpatient anywhere because i have noone to take my children. i can't afford antidepressants or expensive meds due to no insurance. i know about immodium. but what about the tiredness, the lethargy, the irritability, the sweats, the shakes? what can i do for those? is there something cheap i can get OTC or even get my doctor to prescribe (he is very understanding). i am willing to do everything to quit, and believe me, once i do this detox thing again, i am never doing it again.
i would love pointers, advice, stories, support, anything you all can give me. when i have some time again, i will give it all back
thanks for reading