Advice on not continuing the cycle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Conyers, Ga
Posts: 2
Advice on not continuing the cycle
I need some advice on how to handle a situation with my A.
Let me give you some background: Been married to my A for 10 years. We have 2 kids. Ive been to alanon here and there over years. I have always consulted my higher power and had a great support group until 2 years ago. My A has been to rehab, sober living etc and nothing worked. My A spent Christmas on a ditch alone outside in the cold out of his mind (by his choice) and finally saud no more. He found a home group and started his recovery. Well a month into meetings he relapsed. He was gone about a week and started back to AA. He then moved into a sober living house bc he said he couldnt be sober at home. He moved out a month ago and thats when my gut said something was wrong. See hes done this before and did cheat the whole time. His mindset on recovery this time is very different and he has thrown himself had first into his recovery. Im very proud of him and he is building new relationships with his network and had stayed clean. Well he its building with everyone but me. I thought I was just being jealous of his time with others and feeling left out like to he wives says in the big book. Ive tried to discuss our marraige and all I get is I cant talk about us and I build resentments against you. He also says that he doesnt care about how I feel bc Hes being selfish and focusing on his recovery and if anyone stands in his way they can hit the road. He stopped calling me stopped talking to me and Ive tried to spend time with him and he wont. A week before he left he called me at work to tell me ge thought he was losing his wife and it scared him. Now he refuses to have any contact with me. Hes just been what I would call cold. He comes on the weekends to pick up our kids and thats it. He calls their phone and talks to them constantly but not mine. Ive been paranoid that he would find someone again in AA and cheat but pushed it off. Ive tried discussing my fears with him only to be told he doesnt care and I need to deal with my emotions.
He bought a new car and I was helping him drive his other car to his soberliving house when he got a text at 845 at night from the car lady. Asked him why and he said she was reminding him to take a picture of a bill with his name on it. That caused a fight. That was 3 days ago. His sober living house is nice he says but some of the poeple arent as serious as he thought they were and he said he talked to his sponsor and he's moving to either with someone in program or an apartment. He told me anywhere but back home. An apartment isnt sober living...
Yesterday I just discovered that right after he moved out he was trying to contact the woman he left me for about 2 years ago. He was also on ashley madison. He got a new work cell and gave my son his old phone. Saw the google search history. I confronted him yesterday about it and he said he owed her aunt money and was trying to reach the aunt. He wasnt even starting the steps and has made no ammends to anyone yet. He then proceeded to tell me it was over and called me a bunch of other names. He called to talk to the kids last night and I told him we needed to talk and all the sudden he was out with friends and cant talk.
Can I please get some advice on how to proceed. Im going to my first alanon meeting locally on thursday. Sorry this is so long. I just am tired of feeling like Im crazy.
Let me give you some background: Been married to my A for 10 years. We have 2 kids. Ive been to alanon here and there over years. I have always consulted my higher power and had a great support group until 2 years ago. My A has been to rehab, sober living etc and nothing worked. My A spent Christmas on a ditch alone outside in the cold out of his mind (by his choice) and finally saud no more. He found a home group and started his recovery. Well a month into meetings he relapsed. He was gone about a week and started back to AA. He then moved into a sober living house bc he said he couldnt be sober at home. He moved out a month ago and thats when my gut said something was wrong. See hes done this before and did cheat the whole time. His mindset on recovery this time is very different and he has thrown himself had first into his recovery. Im very proud of him and he is building new relationships with his network and had stayed clean. Well he its building with everyone but me. I thought I was just being jealous of his time with others and feeling left out like to he wives says in the big book. Ive tried to discuss our marraige and all I get is I cant talk about us and I build resentments against you. He also says that he doesnt care about how I feel bc Hes being selfish and focusing on his recovery and if anyone stands in his way they can hit the road. He stopped calling me stopped talking to me and Ive tried to spend time with him and he wont. A week before he left he called me at work to tell me ge thought he was losing his wife and it scared him. Now he refuses to have any contact with me. Hes just been what I would call cold. He comes on the weekends to pick up our kids and thats it. He calls their phone and talks to them constantly but not mine. Ive been paranoid that he would find someone again in AA and cheat but pushed it off. Ive tried discussing my fears with him only to be told he doesnt care and I need to deal with my emotions.
He bought a new car and I was helping him drive his other car to his soberliving house when he got a text at 845 at night from the car lady. Asked him why and he said she was reminding him to take a picture of a bill with his name on it. That caused a fight. That was 3 days ago. His sober living house is nice he says but some of the poeple arent as serious as he thought they were and he said he talked to his sponsor and he's moving to either with someone in program or an apartment. He told me anywhere but back home. An apartment isnt sober living...
Yesterday I just discovered that right after he moved out he was trying to contact the woman he left me for about 2 years ago. He was also on ashley madison. He got a new work cell and gave my son his old phone. Saw the google search history. I confronted him yesterday about it and he said he owed her aunt money and was trying to reach the aunt. He wasnt even starting the steps and has made no ammends to anyone yet. He then proceeded to tell me it was over and called me a bunch of other names. He called to talk to the kids last night and I told him we needed to talk and all the sudden he was out with friends and cant talk.
Can I please get some advice on how to proceed. Im going to my first alanon meeting locally on thursday. Sorry this is so long. I just am tired of feeling like Im crazy.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Vgs.....I don't think you sound "crazy" at all....
I think that he is being verbally/emotionally abusive to you....
That is wrong and you don't deserve.
This doesn't sound like true recovery behavior at all.....
Hon...with his history and current behavior..I would say that the writing is on the wall.....
Yes, get back to alanon asap....and, I think it would be at the top of your list to see a lawyer, also. At least, you need to know your rights...and you can do information gathering....
Hon....you have to think of yourself...because, you can see that he certainly isn't thinking of the welfare of you and the kids.....
I know that his must hurt, terribly...to be treated l ike this. The time comes when you just have to call a spade a "spade"......
dandylion
I think that he is being verbally/emotionally abusive to you....
That is wrong and you don't deserve.
This doesn't sound like true recovery behavior at all.....
Hon...with his history and current behavior..I would say that the writing is on the wall.....
Yes, get back to alanon asap....and, I think it would be at the top of your list to see a lawyer, also. At least, you need to know your rights...and you can do information gathering....
Hon....you have to think of yourself...because, you can see that he certainly isn't thinking of the welfare of you and the kids.....
I know that his must hurt, terribly...to be treated l ike this. The time comes when you just have to call a spade a "spade"......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It seems that he told you it is over. As hard as that is to hear, I think to protect yourself you need to take him at his word and do as Dandylion suggested and contact an attorney immediately to protect your assets and those of your childrens'.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I'm sorry you are hurting but I think you know what is going on and have just been trying to push it out of your mind. I know it is painful when we assume things are going to end one way and then they go another. He does not sound like someone who is truly recovered, he sounds like a jerk and he is emotionally abusive.
I would get some legal advice, you don't want to wake up one day and he has drained everything.
You can get through this, you have been doing it on your own now for how long? You are capable and strong..take a deep breath and continue to go to meetings.
HUGS HUGS HUGS
I would get some legal advice, you don't want to wake up one day and he has drained everything.
You can get through this, you have been doing it on your own now for how long? You are capable and strong..take a deep breath and continue to go to meetings.
HUGS HUGS HUGS
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi VG. Welcome! I am so sorry for the abuse you have had to endure. Cheating is a whole illness in itself, in my opinion. If your A can't stay sober at home, he's going to have a hard time staying sober period. Again, just my opinion, but it sounds like an excuse to do what he wants without you and your kids around.
Go to Alanon!. You are going to need support to get through this. You are not crazy. You just don't have the tools to deal with what you are going through. And you shouldn't have to go through it alone. Find a good meeting. Some meetings may not be what you need. Try different ones. Find one where the people make you feel comfortable, and give you hope. Alanon got me through the toughest times in my life.
My heart is breaking for you and your children, but I know you can get through this and be stronger when you do. Keep in touch and let us give you support too. Hugs, Magic
Go to Alanon!. You are going to need support to get through this. You are not crazy. You just don't have the tools to deal with what you are going through. And you shouldn't have to go through it alone. Find a good meeting. Some meetings may not be what you need. Try different ones. Find one where the people make you feel comfortable, and give you hope. Alanon got me through the toughest times in my life.
My heart is breaking for you and your children, but I know you can get through this and be stronger when you do. Keep in touch and let us give you support too. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Singapore
Posts: 23
Vgs, sorry you are going through this. You need to detach completely from your AH, you cannot control what he does or says, there is no point in running after him. He has to face his own demons and deal with the consequences of leaving his marriage.
How do you support yourself?
I would suggest you stick with alanon and maybe get a therapist for yourself to work on yourself.
Go see a lawyer to see what your options are with regard to divorce. You can get the papers drawn up and have them ready - no harm
Go no contact with your AH, let him live his life and stop looking out for him. He chose not to live at home or have you or the marriage - painful as it is but it is now time to work on yourself and even look to a life without him
Running after him, begging, will only make him worse
Maybe he really does need the space to work on himself, give it to him
You also need the space and the removal of yourself from the crazy cycle, so you can begin to think and have some normalcy in your life.
it is not easy to let go but I believe you have to for your own sanity and future
You may find that having this time apart gives you a better perspective as to what you do not want in your life and some peace for your family. Let him go.
How do you support yourself?
I would suggest you stick with alanon and maybe get a therapist for yourself to work on yourself.
Go see a lawyer to see what your options are with regard to divorce. You can get the papers drawn up and have them ready - no harm
Go no contact with your AH, let him live his life and stop looking out for him. He chose not to live at home or have you or the marriage - painful as it is but it is now time to work on yourself and even look to a life without him
Running after him, begging, will only make him worse
Maybe he really does need the space to work on himself, give it to him
You also need the space and the removal of yourself from the crazy cycle, so you can begin to think and have some normalcy in your life.
it is not easy to let go but I believe you have to for your own sanity and future
You may find that having this time apart gives you a better perspective as to what you do not want in your life and some peace for your family. Let him go.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Sorry that you are going through this. He has made his decision and that is he doesn't want to be with you anymore. There really is no point chasing after him at this point, he has made it quite clear. It's a great step attending alanon.
He will eventually find another enabler he will continue to abuse, but at least you can rest assure that it ain't you anymore.
He will eventually find another enabler he will continue to abuse, but at least you can rest assure that it ain't you anymore.
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