Qualifier wants to join me at my first AlAnon meeting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 3
Qualifier wants to join me at my first AlAnon meeting
Hi everyone, I'm a first-time poster, but hardly a newcomer to these forums. I've been struggling for awhile now in my relationship with my AGF, and I've finally decided that I should check out a local AlAnon meeting. We've had a series of fights this week, which included dramatic declarations that she will stop drinking right now, she's going to AA tomorrow, she doesn't want to give up on us, quack quack, btdt. Whatever she says and does or doesn't do, right now I'm committed to focusing on myself and what keeps me in this obviously toxic relationship. So I plan on attending my first ever AlAnon meeting tonight, and I told her as much. I'm aware that this may have been a mistake, however for all her deceitfulness she's constantly calling ME a liar and accusing me of cheating. As such I sometimes "overshare", in a mostly futile attempt to assuage her doubts about me and somehow prove my honesty and fidelity to her.
So of course I get the where, when, etc. like she thinks she's coming with me. I told her that AA is for her, AlAnon is for me, and we're not really supposed to sit in on each others' meetings. That if she wants to have any hope of us working on this relationship together we need to be able to work on ourselves. At first she seemed a little sad that she couldn't tag along, then she got accusatory and I got defensive. So of course THAT went well.
My question is, can I really stop her from coming? The location is readily available online, if she wanted to she could just show up regardless of my wishes. So I guess what I really mean is, *should* I try to stop her from coming? It would be my very first meeting ever, I have no idea what to expect so I don't plan on sharing this time. However I feel like it would almost be an intrusion on what is supposed to be a safe space for me to process my feelings away from AGF. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the purpose of AlAnon? I don't want to stand in the way of her recovery (though I'm quite certain that's not her intention right now, I want to do everything I can to encourage her) and I don't want to further erode the basically non-existent trust between us, but I also don't want to undermine my own recovery just to continue indulging her insecurities. That's exactly the kind of behavior I need to move away from, isn't it?
Has anyone else faced this situation? Did you ever bring your qualifier to an AlAnon meeting, and if so how did it go? Should I maybe forget it this time and bring her to an open AA meeting if she's so interested in going to a meeting with me? Maybe then she can understand why we need to do this work apart from one another.
So of course I get the where, when, etc. like she thinks she's coming with me. I told her that AA is for her, AlAnon is for me, and we're not really supposed to sit in on each others' meetings. That if she wants to have any hope of us working on this relationship together we need to be able to work on ourselves. At first she seemed a little sad that she couldn't tag along, then she got accusatory and I got defensive. So of course THAT went well.
My question is, can I really stop her from coming? The location is readily available online, if she wanted to she could just show up regardless of my wishes. So I guess what I really mean is, *should* I try to stop her from coming? It would be my very first meeting ever, I have no idea what to expect so I don't plan on sharing this time. However I feel like it would almost be an intrusion on what is supposed to be a safe space for me to process my feelings away from AGF. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the purpose of AlAnon? I don't want to stand in the way of her recovery (though I'm quite certain that's not her intention right now, I want to do everything I can to encourage her) and I don't want to further erode the basically non-existent trust between us, but I also don't want to undermine my own recovery just to continue indulging her insecurities. That's exactly the kind of behavior I need to move away from, isn't it?
Has anyone else faced this situation? Did you ever bring your qualifier to an AlAnon meeting, and if so how did it go? Should I maybe forget it this time and bring her to an open AA meeting if she's so interested in going to a meeting with me? Maybe then she can understand why we need to do this work apart from one another.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hello and welcome! it sounds as tho you are well ahead of the game in identifying there are problems and already seeking solutions.
it doesn't sound like the AGF is interested in attending the meeting for the CONTENT or MESSAGE or even to truly support YOU, more like she's a control freak with trust issues and doesn't want you to have an hour and a half to yourself. i'd suggest trying to deter her from attending YOUR very first meeting.....or any actually unless and until she too has embraced recovery.....you might have to take a tougher stance than usual, but seriously, she's a grown up right????
if she does stalk you to your meeting then you have some new problems to add to the list. i hope you go, and go alone and hear something that clicks.
it doesn't sound like the AGF is interested in attending the meeting for the CONTENT or MESSAGE or even to truly support YOU, more like she's a control freak with trust issues and doesn't want you to have an hour and a half to yourself. i'd suggest trying to deter her from attending YOUR very first meeting.....or any actually unless and until she too has embraced recovery.....you might have to take a tougher stance than usual, but seriously, she's a grown up right????
if she does stalk you to your meeting then you have some new problems to add to the list. i hope you go, and go alone and hear something that clicks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 3
Sadly I'm all too aware of what her intentions are, and it's just way too true about the controlling and not having an hour to myself. In fact the most recent blowout was due to the fact that I came home from work later than she expected me to, because I dared to stop by the gym and get gas on my way home without "checking in" with her first (clearly that means I'm a cheater and a liar...straight from her mouth).
I also have valid concerns about her showing up unannounced, as she has admitted to stalking me at a previous job several times when she was out of work. It scares the hell out of me that I didn't RUN FOR THE HILLS when I found that out. But more immediately I worry that I might unintentionally bring drama with me to this meeting if she does follow me, that's not fair to the people there. It took so much for me to get to a point where I was ready to go to a meeting, but now I feel like I'm being held back. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, I feel stuck (in so many ways).
Thank you so much for the welcome, advice and support, it really means a lot to me. It seems pathetic but it really took a lot for me to reach out.
I also have valid concerns about her showing up unannounced, as she has admitted to stalking me at a previous job several times when she was out of work. It scares the hell out of me that I didn't RUN FOR THE HILLS when I found that out. But more immediately I worry that I might unintentionally bring drama with me to this meeting if she does follow me, that's not fair to the people there. It took so much for me to get to a point where I was ready to go to a meeting, but now I feel like I'm being held back. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, I feel stuck (in so many ways).
Thank you so much for the welcome, advice and support, it really means a lot to me. It seems pathetic but it really took a lot for me to reach out.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
If she calls you a cheater and a liar, why would she want to be with you? Her reasoning isn't sound due to her drinking. 
I would not like to be with someone who called me a cheat and a liar. I want a relationship that's about love and trust.
And if it were me, I would just tell her I'm going and then go, by yourself. Let her stew. She'll get over it.
I would not like to be with someone who called me a cheat and a liar.
I want a relationship that's about love and trust.And if it were me, I would just tell her I'm going and then go, by yourself. Let her stew. She'll get over it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello S.Cat,
The behavior of your AGF ticks off some behaviors typical of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. People with this disorder often self medicate. You can't diagnose her, but if you read up on it and determine her behavior meets this possible DX, you could find specialized ways to deal with her.
I think the classic book recommended is Walking on Egg Shells. Zoso, ArmyofOne, & Hammer are males here who have posted on their female relationships that might be helpful for you.
Peace. I hope you made it to your meeting.
The behavior of your AGF ticks off some behaviors typical of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. People with this disorder often self medicate. You can't diagnose her, but if you read up on it and determine her behavior meets this possible DX, you could find specialized ways to deal with her.
I think the classic book recommended is Walking on Egg Shells. Zoso, ArmyofOne, & Hammer are males here who have posted on their female relationships that might be helpful for you.
Peace. I hope you made it to your meeting.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The Al-anon and CoDA meetings I went to, were open to guests and my son went to a couple, one was a special speaker meeting and one was a celebration and medallion night when I got my two year medallion. Most meetings were for me and about me and he didn't try to pry.
I hope you do find some meetings, they will help you more than you can imagine. But I wouldn't tell her where or when and if she stalks you then I would confront that issue, no matter what it took. As Anvil said, her reasons for wanting to go have nothing to do with the meeting...if you were going to watch cows get milked she would want to go too just to keep an eye on you, and that's just sick.
It's time to take back your life, to make choices that are about you and healthy for you...regardless of what she says or thinks.
I hope you find peace soon.
Hugs
I hope you do find some meetings, they will help you more than you can imagine. But I wouldn't tell her where or when and if she stalks you then I would confront that issue, no matter what it took. As Anvil said, her reasons for wanting to go have nothing to do with the meeting...if you were going to watch cows get milked she would want to go too just to keep an eye on you, and that's just sick.
It's time to take back your life, to make choices that are about you and healthy for you...regardless of what she says or thinks.
I hope you find peace soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by Ann 
I hope you do find some meetings, they will help you more than you can imagine. But I wouldn't tell her where or when and if she stalks you then I would confront that issue, no matter what it took.
Crossing fingers you'll get to the meeting(s) and find support. Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
You might consider going to some open AA meetings and invite her along on the up-and-up.
From day 1 my Alanon sponsor encouraged me to go to AA meetings as well (open only as I'm not an alcoholic) which have easily taught me as much as the Alanon meetings have.
From day 1 my Alanon sponsor encouraged me to go to AA meetings as well (open only as I'm not an alcoholic) which have easily taught me as much as the Alanon meetings have.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 106
I can't speak for her but my experience as an alcoholic is that I want to control everything and everyone around me. After I stopped drinking this stayed with me pretty strong. The reason was that I was in fear of everything. Basically that people would discover wear a fraud and how inferrior I was. What I said about others in a critical way was really what I thought of myself....
Anyway I hope you are able to attend meetings for yourself. If she is newly sober she may be in such fear that it is pushing her to want to know everything. If you can be patient this might just get better if she is really serious. However, you need to take care of you too. Good luck.
Anyway I hope you are able to attend meetings for yourself. If she is newly sober she may be in such fear that it is pushing her to want to know everything. If you can be patient this might just get better if she is really serious. However, you need to take care of you too. Good luck.
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