thotful

I am estranged from 2 of my siblings. I set some boundaries and they weren't respected. I don't want to participate in a relationship where my wife is not accepted.

I've already apologized for "trying to force them to apologize or change their attitude towards my wife" -

Do you make amends to people you're estranged from? Or, do you determine that it would cause you too much personal pain for you (except when to do so would injure them or others). That it wouldn't be beneficial to anyone. And if you've established no contact?

cynical one

Sounds like you're sorta at a standoff. If your boundary is 'I will not engage in relationships where my wife is not included and accepted' and your siblings boundaries are 'We will not engage in a relationship with your wife'...then all parties involved either need to respect each other's boundaries and remain estranged or perhaps have a civil conversation with all involved and attempt to work out your differences or come to some kind of compromise. I hope you can work things out and enjoy the holidays together.

CodeJob

Thotful, you post about this issue repeatedly. It clearly means a lot to you. What is in your heart? What intent do you want for an amends? Should you have an intent? Is it the holidays bringing this to the forefront? Are you trying to press a 12 step recovery-based lifestyle on people not currently open to that path? What do you think your God wants to accomplish in this muddled situation?

Maybe letting it rest is an option? I sometimes get a feel from your posts that you want your family to reunite on your specifications. I could be misreading your posts.

But I see you are hurt by this cut in ties. Perhaps you are ready to reach out in some way, but maybe kicking it off with an amends might be an over reach? I'll keep you in my holiday thoughts. It can be a stressful, emotional and overladen period due to ideas of what a family should be like.

thotful

Honestly, I don't want contact. I'm hoping that my estrangement from them won't get in the way of my recovery. That leaving them behind is actually part of my healing. Standing my ground in my boundaries. I personally see any more apologies from me as repeating myself ad nauseum (already done it in my opinion).

Perhaps I can leave it be. If the relationship changes to where I feel comfortable in it, then amends might be more of a possibility.

I was hoping I could hear personal experience from others who have a similar situation.

irisgardens

When mom and sis cut me off...I started apologizing for anything and everything...they have never once told me what I did...but told me how they felt about me...about 2 years after Dad died...it was awful and about how I was just like Dad (before that he had been 'perfect' to both)--won't go into more...it was very knarly to untangle...and I have to continue in my recovery...however...will say thing...I kept apologizing for almost 12 years until I just didn't have the strength to do so anymore and I realized that it didn't matter 'why' just that it was real and that time had proven it...and that whatever I thought we had before he died...was not what I thought (another blow)--believed they were my bff's and that they weren't going to stand by me in friendship or relationship. It was really hard to let go of the enmeshed attachment on my side...no work at all on theirs.

BlindBfour

I personally wouldn't amend. If something was critical to my healing then yes I would address it but otherwise I personally would wait till I was stronger before amending with family. That could just be me but family is so much harder then friends and co-workers. Family has a bond, no matter what they are always family but they are also some of the most trying people at time. I believe if one is moving forward then okay.

Berrybean

If you've offered amends for your part in the situation, I don't see what else you can do. Maybe you could reiterate that you are ready and willing to let the disagreement go, when they are ready to accept your wife. (Why have they rejected her anyway?)

Berrybean

PS Are you still working without a sponsor??

thotful

Yes and No. I don't have an official sponsor. But I've just asked for a meeting topic to be about the step I'm on - I call other members. Or I talk to my former sponsor about where I'm at. I also talk to my counselor. I have completed the steps. I'll be keeping them on my radar from now own. Anytime issues arise, I turn back to the steps, especially the first 3 - I can't control, the higher power can, I think I'll let it. The universe is vast and wide.