[Nina Kay]

Well, I've decided to start my own thread. Kindof like a journal to vent and to sort my own feelings and thoughts. I didn't know at first what forum that I should do this in, but then I thought that it's because of my mental dis-ease that I'm deciding that I need somewhere to write it, so I chose this forum. I'm not expecting anyone to read it or to reply, but if anyone decided that they wanted to, I would certainly appreciate any honest input that I could recieve. I know me and being a Gemini too, I know that this will be "all over the place" so to speak.

I titled this Honesty because I'm learning that I'm not really an honest person. I always thought that I was and I really believe that honesty is very important. I also have always despised dishonesty, so I've been really surprised to realize that I am dishonest in alot of ways. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't tell lies and I don't steal, but I've found that I don't really know myself because I am dishonest with myself. I've always believed that I was someone other than who I really am in so many ways. I don't really know how to explain this, so I guess it'll all come out more clearly with time.

Today and alot lately, I just feel unhappy, sad and let down about alot of things in my life. I've also learned that I'm a self-centered person with alot of self-pity and these are both characteristics that I've never liked in others and I am surprised that they are part of me. I've been told that I'm a pessimist and I've always tried to be an optimist. I am a whiner too, mostly at home. I'm very very tired today, but I haven't curled up in the bed like I used to do, because I have alot to do. I'm doing it all very slowly. It feels like everything that I always thought I was and that my family was and that I tried to raise my kids to be and I tried to have my marriage to be has just turned out all the opposite of what I consciously worked towards. I feel like it was all for naught.