Poetica,
I know it´s hard to believe right now, but you seem to be in a deep depression and when in that state, we find plenty of good reason to die. Please remember that you´re seeing life as it worst, through dark glasses. Life has dealt you these cards - the depressive illness, and your life depends on playing these cards to the best of your abilities and make a better life for yourself. We seem to loose our instinct to preserve our life, but this changes as the depression lifts.
Here are some thoughts on this illness that might interest you from Moring Glory´s power post on frequently asked questions about depression.
Q. How can I help myself get through depression on a day-to-day basis?
On a day-to-day basis, separate from, or concurrently with therapy or
medication, we all have our own methods for getting through the worst
times as best we can. The following comments and ideas on what to do
during depression were solicited from people in the
alt.support.depression newsgroup. Sometimes these things work,
sometimes they don't. Just keep trying them until you find some
techniques that work for you.
* Write. Keep a journal. Somehow writing everything down helps keep
the misery from running around in circles.
* Listen to your favorite "help" songs (a bunch of songs that have
strong positive meaning for you)
* Read (anything and everything) Go to the library and check out
fiction you've wanted to read for a long time; books about
depression, spirituality, morality; biographies about people who
suffered from depression but still did well with their lives
(Winston Churchill and Martin Luther, to name two.
* Sleep for a while
* Even when busy, remember to sleep. Notice if what you do before
sleeping changes how you sleep.
* If you might be a danger to yourself, don't be alone. Find people.
If that is not practical, call them up on the phone. If there is no
one you feel you can call, suicide hotlines can be helpful, even if
you're not quite that badly off yet.
* Hug someone or have someone hug you.
* Remember to eat. Notice if eating certain things (e.g. sugar or
coffee) changes how you feel.
* Make yourself a fancy dinner, maybe invite someone over.
* Take a bath or a perfumed bubble bath.
* Mess around on the computer.
* Rent comedy videos.
* Go for a long walk
* Dancing. Alone in my house or out with a friend.
* Eat well. Try to alternate foods you like ( Maybe junk foods) with
the stuff you know you should be eating.
* Spend some time playing with a child. (ther is more)
I try to smile with the right corner of the mouth. By that you stimulate the side of your brain who is making you depressed.
Let us know how you feel.