Well today hasn't turned out like I hoped. I was due to go back this morning and had my things organised to get back there.
I rang to let him know I was on my way, although he knew that I was due back sometime today. He had been on a bender last night and was full of spite and nastiness again this morning. He told me that I was not welcome at the house, that it was not my home (despite the fact that we've lived there together for 18 months) and that it was not his responsbility to put a roof over my head. He then started yelling at me about when was I going to make a decision about where I was going. I told him that he knew my situation and that I had very little money, my visa is such that I am not allowed to undertake employment and that a little over a month ago, he begged me to return to the UK as I was the love of his life and he wanted to spend forever with me. I told him I was trying all I could to try and make decision and to sort myself out. He replies to me that telling him those things was not at all "constructive". He made me promise to ring him by the end of the day and let him know what I was doing. I told him again that I'd do the best I can. I rang him a little later and said to him that I would only return to the flat when I had made plans of where I was to go and to pack my things. I said that I would do this while he was at work. He then replied to me, that he wished that we had thought about the things we said to each other before we said them and that he wished that instead of the situation coming to this that we had actually done something to make it better!!!!! I know this is manipulation and a pattern that he participates in with me, but s***, it hurts!
I spoke to my friend who said i can stay here a little longer and then I ended up ringing my mum (with my fingers crossed that she was sober). She was which was great. She was very, very upset to hear of what was going on and she is going to speak to my uncle about trying to get some money to me so I am a more able to fund my way out of here and remedy this situation.
I just want this pain to stop. The rejection, lonliness and fear is so all consuming. I am sorry to be so pessimistic on this site. I know i'll be okay in the end. thank you for listening.