| It's "the disease"....
Oftentimes we hear, "It's the disease talking" or "It's the disease making him / her do that" in reference to something the alcoholic has said and/or done.
Years ago when I first heard that, I thought it was implying that I should dismiss whatever my A said or did as if "He can't help it, it's "the disease". He didn't mean it, doesn't believe it, doesn't really think that way, it's the "disease"." Somehow I took away from that that his "disease" abdicated him from the responsibility I felt he had to treat me with respect.
I found it difficult at best to trust "it was the disease" talking. Afterall, it was HIS lips moving, HIS voice I heard, HIS face I saw when he said it.
I used to believe there was a little truth in everything we said...therefore, it wasn't JUST the "disease" speaking. He must surely feel that way about me and the alcohol simply made it easier for him to speak his mind.
I'll never know where he stops and his "disease" starts. Over the years the two have melded for me and he's become one with his alcoholism.
Equally, I no longer care what he says, thinks, does etc.
And yet.....the years of hearing his disease speak to me has taken a toll on my self-esteem.
I quickly dismiss kind, loving words from others that attempt to dispell his vemenous poison. And I take the irrational BS from a drunk as the Gospel.
The effects of the insanity are far-reaching and long-lasting.
~GodHelpMe
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