[socalgal]

Hi,
I am new posting to this forum but I must admit I've been lurking around here reading the posts for the past week or so. I am a recovering alcoholic with 12 years of sobriety. I have "nice" life, great husband, 2 wonderful children and a growing feeling of uneasiness about what I am about to embark on. Recently my husband and I have been in therapy, we'll be married 15 years this week, and issues are coming up that I am realizing have a lot to do with me and my reactions/perceptions of things. I am searching for answers and I came across the ACA forum. Yikes! The "laundry list" hit close to home. There is a reluctance in my that I don't understand. I have had the courage to deal with my own disease and many painful issues surrounding it. I did a lot of work early on dealing with my mother (Queen of the Codependent Nation) and my father who drank for 10 years but has been sober for 15. I learned to set boundaries with my mother and have a wonderful relationship with my father.

I am questioning my thinking a lot surrounding identifying myself as an ACA. Clearly, I know I am. But...my life doesn't feel unmanagable and I wonder if I am trying to attatch more significance to childhood events. I wonder if things were really that bad, they don't seem as extreme as some peoples. Maybe I am just looking for reasons for my "bad behavior". Maybe this thinking is all part of my denial? I am so confused all of a sudden and I am wondering what is real and what is in my head. Yikes, what is going on with me? What is this reluctance I feel? Is it fear?

I read an interpretation of the first step where the person said, "My inner child has become unmanagable." That resonated witih me. I know I do things that are clearly coming from and irrational and childish place.

I guess I just don't relish the thought of looking for trouble where there is none or feeling anger/pain concerning my parents when I have been able to come to a place where I can accept that my parents did the best they could given who they were and what they knew. I don't want to feel the anger I once felt. I am afraid of the pain I may encounter.

Thanks for letting me ramble. I guess just starting to write it out and look at it is a beginning. Any thoughts, suggestions, similar experiences would be welcome.

Thanks also for this forum. There is a feeling in me that, like so many things in my recovery, I found this right when I was supposed to. I also think I know, deep inside, that this is the next step in my journey. So...why this reluctance?

Kathleen