Hey Tiger. How ya hanging on today? I live with an addict that in his worst time of using pawned his video games, movies, mountain bike, (possibly more!) and the most disgusting of all... stole ALL the cash from our children's piggy banks. To an active addict, money is money, no matter where it comes from. He still has not repaid them. He used to steal money from my jeans pockets all the time... and all the while I thought I had just misplaced it or put it in a coat or left it in my car, etc. My memory was on overload due to being ticked off all the time so I felt like I was going nuts and thought that maybe I had even spent it without realizing it! He also would borrow money from his grandmother or she would just give him some cuz he was a "good kid" and he would ALWAYS spend that on drugs.
My A is a meth and weed user. I do not know what it is like to live with a crack addict but I can assume that everything you are feeling, I have felt too. As have soooo many others that are reaching out to you and posting their support and stories. My A did not disappear for days but for hours upon hours which in my mind felt like days. There is nothing worse than the "wondering" part of all of this. That's the part that will get you in a rut so deep that sometimes you can't cry, you can't talk, you can't not be angry, you can't feel. And that is the time the pain will not go away.. and for me.. there were a few times that I thought it would be easier for me to be gone instead of here living this life of lies and misery. Thank God they were only passing thoughts, scary but real.
I had always wanted to go searching for my A when he disappeared... luckily I had two little angels at home that kept me where I needed to be instead of hunting him down. It is not safe to drive when you are nearing psychosis. I can shake my head and laugh sometimes at my insane thoughts and actions...but that is what this addiction has done to me. It still is not over. And I don't know if I will ever truly forget it but in time I will be able to forgive him for everything because I don't want to walk around with sadness in my heart forever. Baby steps.. that is what it takes. And as I always say.. just as our addict must hit their bottom in order to make a positive change in life, so must we.
I hope you are safe. Take care of yourself. You are the most important person in your life. Treat yourself as good as you treat others. I know it's hard sometimes. Try it. You might like it!
Lake
P.S. Keep an eye on Anns postings. She has the writings of a true novelist.
