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Old 04-17-2003, 09:02 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Tiger Eyes
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 10
Thank you j davis and ogly for your recent replies. I've been out of the forum for the last two days because, as you know, I'm going through it right now with my husband. I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride of misery, pain, and doubt.

By the way, I want to let those of you who are suffering know that I pray for all of you - those who have a loved one (especially a spouse) who is "out" there right now. It is so painful to NOT know where your loved one is, what they are doing, and IF they are safe. The waiting is the torture.

Anyway, in my situation, last night when my husband did not come home again (6th night), I was in unbearable misery that I prayed. I must have prayed so hard because the angels heard me and relayed the message to the Lord.

Hubby came home at 5AM this morning. Unfortunately, he was NOT ready to surrender himself yet. You can always tell by the look in their eyes when they are ready to come home, or if they still want to go use. Hubby straight told me he wanted to do drugs.

His explanation: his parole officer will now be looking for him. His options would be prison or a residential drug program (RDP). He could feel that I have reached the end of my rope and may not be there for him this time....whether he goes to prison or RDP. He feels such depression, shame, and guilt, that he wants to use some more to get rid of all the feelings. He wants to die but doesnt want to die....etc. etc.

Anyway, after three hours of being at home and rambling on about everything and anything, he left again. He said he would be back in 15 minutes. As it turned out, he took my ATM card when I wasn't looking....

I called in sick at work because now I had to take care of business like covering my checks. At this point, I think I am ready to leave him now....because if he could do something like that to me, then maybe he just didn't care about me or loved me enough to stop. It's gotten so much worse that he could lie and steal from his own wife. Is this something anyone has ever gone through or is it just me?

I just need the courage (and support) to know that I am finally doing the right thing. I can NOT allow myself to take him back again.

When my addicted husband goes out, he tends to take it to the limit and stretches it for days and days as long as he gets access to money... and I always end up being the loser. :-(


TE
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