JT, I think the one thing that's different this time is that I have made the resolve to end it. My A gets SO mean when he is high. But I don't know if I have the courage to go through with it. I want him in my life, but I don't want the drugs in my life. It just seems like a situation I could never win. I have to choose one life or the other. I feel like "Argh! This man is too addicted to stop, no matter how hard he tries!"
Melissa, thank you for reminding me to be kind to myself. Every SINGLE time in the past, I had always been kind to him first before me. I let him blame me for his use. I picked him up from jail after one night of being in a drunken stupor only to have him say unkind things. I don't understand what powerful hold he has over me. Am I just afraid of being alone? I have NO clue what I want to do...
anns...yes crack definitely is the one drug that keeps our loved ones on this stronghold that won't let go, no matter how many times you pray that the devil would release that line. When my A is on drugs, he is the meanest, scariest, wickedest human being (I don't know if I can even call it that) on the face of this earth. I hate the part about being left alone for days and days (sometimes weeks) feeling like an abandoned puppy. When I start to feel better about him not being around, he shows up and of course, I take him back. Why is it SO hard to stay away from crack???
bandibabe, I was very interested in your comment about leaving on Tgiving 2002. I can't imagine myself leaving my A, because even though these drug addicted times are the ones I remember the most because of the pain (each time the pain keeps getting deeper), a majority of the time that he is clean and sober has filled my life with great memories.
It's the 4th day, and I still have not seen him. I want to talk to him and see him, but I'm scared silly. It's unbearable when he's high, but it would be at least civil when he's coming down the stuff.
Thing is, what will I do when that time will come....IF the time will come...
Thanks to everyone for your support. It has helped me keep out the loneliness a little bit.
Marissa