Happy New Year Teach,
Perhaps you are right in that part of my anxiety is due to being sick. I have a lot of anxiety just about constantly being sick and how not to get sick or how to get better without it taking a month or longer.
Right now a big part of my anxiety at work is from not being in top-form...in light of my paper just hiring a kick-butt part-timer photojournalist to work in our other burea office. He's fresh out of college and yet his work and lighting techniques are at least a year ahead of me. I'm happy to have him on board, but it's seriously affecting the way i feel about myself and my work and what others think about me and my work (even though I know i'm not suppose to care about what others think -- i do as i'm am still super insecure about my daily job and production). It's tearing my chest apart right now as I even type this.
If he was older than me (i.e. more experience) and especially if he had that kind of personality where I knew he would work to help me grow also (rather than just trying to show me up - which was the vibe I got) then those would both help a great deal. But the fact that I will be his chief photographer and yet i'm not as good as him...well i just can't describe the feelings i have.
I've only been in the job 9 months and according to those I work with i've done a great job and exceeded their expectations, but that's not enough for me to feel secure. I'm a broken record in saying this, but I know a great deal of this insecurity stems from the way I was treated at the end of my last long-term job. I was constantly winning awards and accomplishing the work of 2 people in the same week that everyone else was accomplishing that of just one....and yet when i got sick (the major depression) it was like I suddenly became a vial, good-for-nothing, scary person to be around who was incompetent and any resembling an asset to the newsroom. Nearly 2 years ago I was fired and starting putting that all behind me, but the anxiety i feel at my job today is very close to that I felt back then.
Before I was even back from short-term disability leave, my editor advertised my position as being open. He tried to fire me my first few weeks back, but I fought him on it and he wasn't able to at that time...therefore he wasn't able to replace me right then. But shortly after one of the reporter's quit and he was then able to hire my replacement under the disquise of filling the vacated position. Soooo...I literally ended up training my replacement before my boss was successful in firing me. That person is still doing my same job today - nearly 2 years later.
This new part-time at my current job was brought in on a freelance basis to cover for me while I was gone on vacation for a week before Christmas. It was last minute and my boss told me of it and within the hour the guy was sitting at my desk and I was showing him the ropes and letting him follow me to an the photo assignment my boss asked me to take him with me on. I was only a little anxious and depressed about it during my vacation because I had never heard of this person and didn't know anything about his work, but I did vocalize my anxieties (through tears) about having someone being able to walk in one day and be sitting at my desk doing my job the next day. When I got back from vacation and I saw his beautiful photos on the front page with the use of lighting techniques I have yet to successfully master....well i nearly fell apart right there. Had it not been a busy day of playing catch up for me (and me not worrying so much about proving to everyone how much I can get done in a day) then I would have called my therapist right then and gone in for a tearful session. (luckily, I had fixed myself up that day and sat in my car during my lunch hour taking self-portriats which resulted in some beautiful and very unique and original close up shots that made me feel better about myself. Sounds silly, i know, but since i'm overweight i only take close-up shots of my eyes and such and it's the only way I can feel beautiful and that's a first for me. I didn't it would have the theaputic affect that it did, but I also didn't expect to come up with the creative shots that I did, so it got my photo juices raring to go and I focused on that for the rest of the day...and once i posted them on my photo-hosting site and started getting positive feedback from people....well that just helped even more.
Back to the part-timer...a part of me is VERY glad to have him on staff because i get motivated when working with more than one photographer on staff. In fact, one photojournalist in college when I was very early into taking picture was of the same caliber in talent and is perhaps what helped me the most in wanting to become such a great photographer. I hate to use the term competition, because it really isn't, but it is. Make any sense? Basically, when i'm working with someone I know is better or more experienced than me...i try to match what they are able to do...not to be better than them i don't think, but to learn from them and increase the quality of my work all-together. And it seems perfect timing for this person to come on board because i was getting so laxed and lazy and bored with the type of assignments we usually have to shoot. Being back all last week...i found myself enjoying my daily assignment more and looking a little harder to find "the" shot that could really get people's attention in the paper the next day.
So....while i know this will be good for me (and the paper)....it still is reeking havoc on my anxiety and self esteem.
Although part of me feels like maybe this is one of life's cues that I should start looking to move onto a bigger paper where I will have lots of other good photographers to look up to, not have so much pressure on my shoulders everyday and get to shoot more of the variety of assignments I enjoy. (even before the anxieties of this new guy came along...i had found myself browsing the national job banks for openings at other paper even though i love the paper i'm at). Don't know...the jury is very much still out on this thought.
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Originally Posted by historyteach 
I've had pnemonia, and still cannot get rid of the cough. I'm still on cough syrup, antibiotics and inhalor and it just won't stop! 
I'm also having shortness of breath, and that is causing panic like symptoms with a tight throat, (my version of panic attacks.) |
yeah...this is how i feel pretty much everytime i'm sick. I'm a severe asthmatic with early-stage empasima and I honestly can't tell when i'm haveing shortness of breath b/c of that or b/c of my asthma and sick lungs.
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Originally Posted by historyteach On the other hand, our emotional state can also influence our physical well being. Having had surgery, dealing with the tenant from hell and moving back to my house while dealing with my sick mom and working full time while taking three classes certainly didn't help. I woulnd't be surprised to find out I got sick with pnemonia as my body's way of saying "Slow DOWN!" LOL! |
yes...i was just talking about this to my mom yesterday. After my first major depression I stayed sick with an on-going, non-responsive to antibotics, sinus infection and bronchitus...for a year. Then every winter it would come back for several months. I had been illness free the year or two before my last major depression. But, i now know that the major depressions zap my immune system so bad that it's just super hard for my body to fight off the infections. So I know the "why" and I know that I will most likely struggle with this weakened immune system for at least the next 2-3 years, but the good thing is the understanding it part...and knowing that vitamins and trying to keep them from coming on is my best defense.
The anti-ds don't work much for me so I just try not to go that route any more if I don't have to. I did take a round with this junk a month or two ago b/c it had gotton that bad, but within a week of finishing the meds i felt this coming back on. And there's always the issue of not wanting to keep throwing antibiotics in my system because i will quickly build up an immunity to their affects and then they won't work at all when i really need them to.
So there's days with the sickness and everything else in my life where I feel I can't win and i'm tired of struggling, but I also know that there's nothing else to be done except hang in there and rid it all out.
And you make a good point about the pneumonia being the way of your body saying to "slow down". Really, I truely believe that's what the my major depressions are....forced rest for my mind and body (as I get hypomanic for a year or three before they hit and before both depressions I had been pushing myself really hard to accomplish everything I had in my mind that i wanted or believed I needed to accomplish.
What's amazing to me is that there is so much information out there about how our emotions and mental health affects our bodies and immune systems (and vice-versa) and yet so many people still can't understand or accept that depression and bipolar disorder are just as much a physical illness as diabetis or cancer!
Wow...i bet that was much more of a response than you were looking for....i guess i'm making up for the lost time that i haven't been spending here on SR as of late.
Thanks for your post and just for being you Teach!