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shutterbug · 01-01-2007, 07:55 PM

The third chapter in my recovery has begun...and with new issues to face.

The good has been that I have come from the suicidal depths of my second major depression, 2 sign-ins to the mental hospital, several months in a day treatment facility and loosing my first real, career job through it all...to come out on the other side to be blessed with a greater idea of what "healthy" is in my life and a great job that's a million times better than the one i was fired from during my major depressive episode.

I am at a point in my life where I now see my illness as a blessing in the grand scheme of things. My family is riddled with addiction and mental illness though no one aware of how deep it goes or how to cope. I feel blessed because I have twin nephews who can benefit from my commitment to learning how to cope with these issues when they are older and that I can monitor them from a place of knowledge in hopes of easing any issues they may face with a weapon of early detection. I feel blessed because i'm working to no longer be on the sidelines of my life griping about my life, but instead armed with tools to influence the directions my life goes by taking as much responsiblity as I can at the time to change the negatives. I feel blessed to know that I am strong enought to travel through hell and still come back for it better rather than worse or not at all. I feel blessed because I have learned that I control what kind of people I keep company with and that I don't have to spend time with people who are toxic to me, my life and my goals to live happy and content. I feel blessed b/c with my bipolar disorder has come a great many things among which are strength, creativity, kindness, open-mindedness, resolve, a little more self-respect and esteem from stepping up to take control, empathy, understanding, a keen awarness for the feelings and emotions of others and a desire to help ease others who are struggling.

My last episode brought back me closer to my faith and who I am inside, but most of all I now have an inner sense of hope that wasn't there before. From time to time I still feel those horrid and all-too-familiar feelings of hopelessness, but now I recognize they are just feelings and that it will pass and therefore I never lose grasp of the underlying hope I have deep down that we all need in or lives for happiness.

I am thankful for the bad influences I have replaced with good ones and thankful for people here who are more knowledgeable than I am to still help me with the bad I still have yet to replace.

I am thankful for the knowledge that I am a work in progress and that as long as I keep moving forward I will prevail.

I have many hopes and plans for the year ahead. I am 9 months into my first full-time position as a photojournalist and my abilities and knowledge are growing in leaps and bounds. I created my first photo illustration/graphic for my paper last week and it felt great as it was something that I never knew I was interested in until this past year and was blessed to be able to spend the last 9 months working along side a graphic designer/artist at my paper before his leaving to take a job doing more of the type of designing he prefers. Last year this time I was working at a horridly back-woods "in-the-mean-time" job to get me through financially until I found something better and I was once again blessed to be introduced by a staff member to a photo hosting site that has allowed me to meet so many other great photographers, both locally and world wide, to inspire and support me. I am in the infant stages of learning artifical lighting techniques as i've always found it difficult for some reason and just recently have met a local photographer who has the techniques I want for my own work and is willing to teach me.

So in the coming year I plan to get my lighting issues resolved and starting kicking butt and taking names. I have already seen so much success in my career this past year in getting published in the New York Times, Washington Post and USA Today, to name a just few, and I plan to continue along that path...and perhaps someday working on staff at one of them or Time or National Geographic. Huge goals for me, but i'm all about goals and reaching for the stars.

I plan to get hold of my finances and get away from living pay-check-to-pay-check in an effort to have security in my future.

I plan to create a home in which I feel comfortable in and where I have little anxiety about having family and friends over.

I pray God has it planned for me to find love in a kind of relationship where I can keep my codie issues under control and that is healthy and can endure. I pray that I can have the strenth and motivation to get physically healthy in addition to staying focused on staying mentally healthy. I pray to grow leaps and bounds in self-esteem and security...in a continued effort to love myself for the person God made me to be. I pray that the family and friends that I no longer let be in my life come to understand that I am no longer near them as a way of loving myself enough not to let them bring me down and that they may find their own self-love and respect to become happy and healthy in their own lives. I pray that I can somehow stop feeling guilty for my successes and yet never become a prima donna or egotistical about anything in my work life. I pray that I can find ways to make real differences in people's lives with the gifts I have been given in life. I pray I have the energy to do the things I need to do and wish to do, but to continue to keep tabs on not letting myself endulge too much in my hypomanias. I pray that God will help me beat my current cravings for the gambling issues i've recently developed. And I pray that this coming year may set the stage for me to have children some day and be a good mother when the time comes. I pray to be a positive person and not sweat the small things. I also have a great prayer for me to be able to verbally communicate with others and for me to learn better when to keep my mouth shut and/or to not verbally express every thought in my head to everyone I talk to. I pray to stop smoking and therefore stop killing myself slowly so as to reverse my early-stage emphasima (and to become a better speller...LOL

) I pray my 17-year-old cousin has an awakening of sorts and stop heading down the highly distructive path she is on and to get her dipolma or GED as it is very saddening to me as to what she is doing with her life when she as so much potential for her future. I hope someday she can come to see the hopes and dreams i've always had for her and that it will not be too late.

All-in-all, I pray, plan and hope to be the person God intended me to be - nothing less and nothing more.

01-01-2007, 07:55 PM	#3 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,947 Blog Entries: 5	The third chapter in my recovery has begun...and with new issues to face. The good has been that I have come from the suicidal depths of my second major depression, 2 sign-ins to the mental hospital, several months in a day treatment facility and loosing my first real, career job through it all...to come out on the other side to be blessed with a greater idea of what "healthy" is in my life and a great job that's a million times better than the one i was fired from during my major depressive episode. I am at a point in my life where I now see my illness as a blessing in the grand scheme of things. My family is riddled with addiction and mental illness though no one aware of how deep it goes or how to cope. I feel blessed because I have twin nephews who can benefit from my commitment to learning how to cope with these issues when they are older and that I can monitor them from a place of knowledge in hopes of easing any issues they may face with a weapon of early detection. I feel blessed because i'm working to no longer be on the sidelines of my life griping about my life, but instead armed with tools to influence the directions my life goes by taking as much responsiblity as I can at the time to change the negatives. I feel blessed to know that I am strong enought to travel through hell and still come back for it better rather than worse or not at all. I feel blessed because I have learned that I control what kind of people I keep company with and that I don't have to spend time with people who are toxic to me, my life and my goals to live happy and content. I feel blessed b/c with my bipolar disorder has come a great many things among which are strength, creativity, kindness, open-mindedness, resolve, a little more self-respect and esteem from stepping up to take control, empathy, understanding, a keen awarness for the feelings and emotions of others and a desire to help ease others who are struggling. My last episode brought back me closer to my faith and who I am inside, but most of all I now have an inner sense of hope that wasn't there before. From time to time I still feel those horrid and all-too-familiar feelings of hopelessness, but now I recognize they are just feelings and that it will pass and therefore I never lose grasp of the underlying hope I have deep down that we all need in or lives for happiness. I am thankful for the bad influences I have replaced with good ones and thankful for people here who are more knowledgeable than I am to still help me with the bad I still have yet to replace. I am thankful for the knowledge that I am a work in progress and that as long as I keep moving forward I will prevail. I have many hopes and plans for the year ahead. I am 9 months into my first full-time position as a photojournalist and my abilities and knowledge are growing in leaps and bounds. I created my first photo illustration/graphic for my paper last week and it felt great as it was something that I never knew I was interested in until this past year and was blessed to be able to spend the last 9 months working along side a graphic designer/artist at my paper before his leaving to take a job doing more of the type of designing he prefers. Last year this time I was working at a horridly back-woods "in-the-mean-time" job to get me through financially until I found something better and I was once again blessed to be introduced by a staff member to a photo hosting site that has allowed me to meet so many other great photographers, both locally and world wide, to inspire and support me. I am in the infant stages of learning artifical lighting techniques as i've always found it difficult for some reason and just recently have met a local photographer who has the techniques I want for my own work and is willing to teach me. So in the coming year I plan to get my lighting issues resolved and starting kicking butt and taking names. I have already seen so much success in my career this past year in getting published in the New York Times, Washington Post and USA Today, to name a just few, and I plan to continue along that path...and perhaps someday working on staff at one of them or Time or National Geographic. Huge goals for me, but i'm all about goals and reaching for the stars. I plan to get hold of my finances and get away from living pay-check-to-pay-check in an effort to have security in my future. I plan to create a home in which I feel comfortable in and where I have little anxiety about having family and friends over. I pray God has it planned for me to find love in a kind of relationship where I can keep my codie issues under control and that is healthy and can endure. I pray that I can have the strenth and motivation to get physically healthy in addition to staying focused on staying mentally healthy. I pray to grow leaps and bounds in self-esteem and security...in a continued effort to love myself for the person God made me to be. I pray that the family and friends that I no longer let be in my life come to understand that I am no longer near them as a way of loving myself enough not to let them bring me down and that they may find their own self-love and respect to become happy and healthy in their own lives. I pray that I can somehow stop feeling guilty for my successes and yet never become a prima donna or egotistical about anything in my work life. I pray that I can find ways to make real differences in people's lives with the gifts I have been given in life. I pray I have the energy to do the things I need to do and wish to do, but to continue to keep tabs on not letting myself endulge too much in my hypomanias. I pray that God will help me beat my current cravings for the gambling issues i've recently developed. And I pray that this coming year may set the stage for me to have children some day and be a good mother when the time comes. I pray to be a positive person and not sweat the small things. I also have a great prayer for me to be able to verbally communicate with others and for me to learn better when to keep my mouth shut and/or to not verbally express every thought in my head to everyone I talk to. I pray to stop smoking and therefore stop killing myself slowly so as to reverse my early-stage emphasima (and to become a better speller...LOL ) I pray my 17-year-old cousin has an awakening of sorts and stop heading down the highly distructive path she is on and to get her dipolma or GED as it is very saddening to me as to what she is doing with her life when she as so much potential for her future. I hope someday she can come to see the hopes and dreams i've always had for her and that it will not be too late. All-in-all, I pray, plan and hope to be the person God intended me to be - nothing less and nothing more. __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).