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Northern LiGhT · 12-17-2006, 03:47 AM

Well, I have to say. Its been a long time coming. I went to my doctor the other day and complained to him about alcohol withdrawl again, I was going through the DT's and I broke down to him about my past major depression and suicidal thoughts and paranoia. I was uncontrobally crying and finally told someone about the problems I knew I had for so long but never said. I never really thought about all the problems that I had until now. I knew they were there, but, I didn't want to believe something was wrong.
The last 5 or 6 years I had lied to myself about the following:
Major depression
Severe anxiety/social withdrawl/ overwhelming feelings to hurt myself in social situations
Crying for no reason at all
Thinking people are stealing my money/drugs/alcohol
Gambling until the point I had lost my money
Hearing voices from time to time and feeling things that wern't there
Meth and alcohol induced psycosis
Anger and hostility, jelousy, envy
Isolation/ severe hopelessness/ severe loneliness
Talking to myself outloud in public and private places
Believing life isn't real or that i'm not accualy myself
Theres a lot more that I don't even want to go into now guys.

My doctor said that I may have a pschyiatric disorder and I need to see a psychiatrist right away. Since there is a long history of mental disorders in my family, including schizophrenia, he says it may be serious. He says I need to be on medication. Im only 19, and I feel like I cant admit it to myself: That I feel different, in a way where I want to hurt myself and make other people feel sorry for me, and being depressed to the point of trying to die off alcohol poisining. Recently I was thrown in the mental hospital for threating to kill myself. This is all so overwhelming. Some days I feel OK and other days I really feel like I need to die and stop all the pain that I Feel. MY doctor said I may have a major psychiatric disorder and I need to seek help. He is accualy trying to call me next week to make sure I do. Heres the thing: I dont want to be diagnosed with anything. I just dont want to think about all the things i've ever felt because I have never done that. I really just want to intoxicate myself the rest of my life and die. I dont know what to do. I dont know whats happening with me. Everything in my life is a dream. I dontknow whats real and what isnt, thats why Im scared of going to a psychiatrist. My mom used to take medication for anxiety disorders and things like that and she said that if I take them I will only get worse. Im just scared and I want to leave my house the next week and avoid my doctor. Hes going to want me to see a pyschiatrist and all they will do is give me drugs to make it worse. Right now they prescribed me 3 days worth of Serax for alcohol withdrawl and I dont know if I want to drink again or not. Everything in my life is empty. What do I do...I dont know what to do. Should I see a pyschiatrist, or am I just going to get medicine that will make me insane. Because I know im not insane, and I just think that sometimes people are going to make me accualy get a disease if I let them. I dont know, please somebody help.

12-17-2006, 03:47 AM	#1 (permalink)
Northern LiGhT Awaiting Email Confirmation Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: CA Posts: 20	Here it goes. please help someone Well, I have to say. Its been a long time coming. I went to my doctor the other day and complained to him about alcohol withdrawl again, I was going through the DT's and I broke down to him about my past major depression and suicidal thoughts and paranoia. I was uncontrobally crying and finally told someone about the problems I knew I had for so long but never said. I never really thought about all the problems that I had until now. I knew they were there, but, I didn't want to believe something was wrong. The last 5 or 6 years I had lied to myself about the following: Major depression Severe anxiety/social withdrawl/ overwhelming feelings to hurt myself in social situations Crying for no reason at all Thinking people are stealing my money/drugs/alcohol Gambling until the point I had lost my money Hearing voices from time to time and feeling things that wern't there Meth and alcohol induced psycosis Anger and hostility, jelousy, envy Isolation/ severe hopelessness/ severe loneliness Talking to myself outloud in public and private places Believing life isn't real or that i'm not accualy myself Theres a lot more that I don't even want to go into now guys. My doctor said that I may have a pschyiatric disorder and I need to see a psychiatrist right away. Since there is a long history of mental disorders in my family, including schizophrenia, he says it may be serious. He says I need to be on medication. Im only 19, and I feel like I cant admit it to myself: That I feel different, in a way where I want to hurt myself and make other people feel sorry for me, and being depressed to the point of trying to die off alcohol poisining. Recently I was thrown in the mental hospital for threating to kill myself. This is all so overwhelming. Some days I feel OK and other days I really feel like I need to die and stop all the pain that I Feel. MY doctor said I may have a major psychiatric disorder and I need to seek help. He is accualy trying to call me next week to make sure I do. Heres the thing: I dont want to be diagnosed with anything. I just dont want to think about all the things i've ever felt because I have never done that. I really just want to intoxicate myself the rest of my life and die. I dont know what to do. I dont know whats happening with me. Everything in my life is a dream. I dontknow whats real and what isnt, thats why Im scared of going to a psychiatrist. My mom used to take medication for anxiety disorders and things like that and she said that if I take them I will only get worse. Im just scared and I want to leave my house the next week and avoid my doctor. Hes going to want me to see a pyschiatrist and all they will do is give me drugs to make it worse. Right now they prescribed me 3 days worth of Serax for alcohol withdrawl and I dont know if I want to drink again or not. Everything in my life is empty. What do I do...I dont know what to do. Should I see a pyschiatrist, or am I just going to get medicine that will make me insane. Because I know im not insane, and I just think that sometimes people are going to make me accualy get a disease if I let them. I dont know, please somebody help.