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Lovelife....do you mind if I ask if you've been diagnosed with anything?

I ask only because there may be some things going on that are contributing to things like your lying that you may not be aware of....and that there maybe help available for.

Also, are you seeing a therapist? I know many people are turned off by even a mention of seeing a therapist, but I can tell you that those of us who embrace the idea of reaching out for support from a person who has a ton of wisdom along the lines of human actions and interactions and thought...can offer more help to us than we realize until we embrace it.

I searched out a good therapist early on in my recovery efforts and I try to maintain weekly appointments with her. She has helped me in SO many ways and is a GREAT resource for pointing me in directions I wouldn't have known about on my own.

Please consider finding a good therapist in your area whom you feel you connect with (remember there are excellent, good and bad workers in all fields...therapy isn't any different so you may need to try a few before you find one that fits with you).

The past rape is enough reason alone to seek out a psychotherapist who is versed in helping people heal from such deep wounds as sexual abuse. There are a ton of resources and therapists out there which specialize in abuse recovery. And you will surely find out that the event has affected you in many more ways than you have ever realized...and how the past is continueing to affect how you respond outwardly to situations like this one.

You could try explaining one last time to your friends that you know what must think, but that you truely charish their friendships...and explain about the past rape and tell them that you didn't realize it still had such a hold on you, but that when this guy was hitting on you....it sent you back to that time and probably some of those same feelings...for reasons you don't yet understand yourself. It is common for abuse survivors to experience flashbacks emotionally, physically and mentally....where you feel very much like you are back in that same event. Specifically this is known as Post Tramatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and most people don't know anything about PTSD except in relation to soldiers who have returned from war. Truth is...you don't have to witness extreme, bloody deaths and mutilations to develop PTSD. And it is common among rape victims and abuse survivors. I won't go into my story, but I even develped PTSD from an emotionally and mentally abusive work envirnment a couple years back. So much so that even now I have visual and emotional flashbacks sometimes while at work at a new job that is a VERY healthy and wonderful place to work.

The point is...that there are some things at work within you that you have come to accept as norman and as being your fault. And the truth is that it ONLY becomes your fault if you know about it and choose not do anything to help yourself recover from the affects these things are currently having on you and your life. The point is to start right now working toward loosing the hold these things have on you and your life. Don't let them control you....and definetly don't sit by and accept them as something you have no control over.

Now...the lying is just like any other personal weakness any and ALL of us deal with. The main thing though....is not to ignore it and to work toward improving this area in your life. Search out information and resources and others who deal with this same issue. Talk to them about how they have helped themselves improve their lying habits.

You are better and more wonderful than you give yourself credit for. Start standing up for yourself TO YOURSELF!!!

No one can hurt us as bad as we can hurt ourselves.

Hugs and prayers,
Jenna