Hi Just, This sounds so very harrowing and difficult for you and your children. I do not have children and do not know how it would be to go through what you are going through with children. Do they know that their mom has a problem? Do they understand it at all?
I was just married in 2005. My AH is a very functional person. He had 4 kids and they are all seemingly ok. Functional, successful people. If he had been more of an outward drunk I think that they may have been worse off. Who knows?
I do not like being married to someone who drinks but I love him and don't leave and I have stopped the threats because that gets me no where fast. I find this all new and do not know much. I do know that detaching is so difficult because your emotions are so involved. In your case even more so because of a longer marriage and children.
I like al-anon it has really helped. You did the right thing and took over regarding the game. I think boundaries do help and I go to private counselling too alone. It helps me understand more about boundaries and how to do that and in turn helps me detach. I have worked hard daily to let go and let god. To let him do as I know he will to protect me. My AH will never not drink but I have tried to speak to him about what I can and can't accept. I will not drive with him when he drinks unless I get the keys to drive us home. He can drink and drink if he wants but I am going to drive. Maybe that is a good place to start when AW is sober to discuss some of the things you feel you can't accept like driving your children when she knows (AW) that she has had a drink or two or three. Whatever. I stopped telling AH he is an alcoholic it was like talking to a wall. I lean on laws, police, reputation, being embarrassed, etc. so that AH will understand that I know he drinks but I will not be able to deal in x,y,z situation whatever you feel is necessary for your family to function. Boundaries are understandings not ultimatums so make sure that if you set one you set one without saying or else. To get back to my example for me " I would like you to give me the keys if you have been drinking and let me drive home if you argue with me ( which he used to) I will call a cab" I now get the keys with little argument when he is drinking. It is not easy to maintain all the new boundaries so try to set them as you see a need not just a blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh of them because they will have no meaning and you need to make sure you are able to carry them out. I hope this helps. I wish you well. Irsh