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Originally Posted by Garandguy762
I am ashamed of myself. Why do I do this? Why do I do this to her? She loves me so much, and i love her so much it hurts. My heart aches because of what I do to her. I am so selfish. How can I do this? I do not even feel human. I have no humanity to constantly shun her love and embrace my bottle. I feel that when I lose her, and I will if I continue on this path, that my life will crumble utterly. I could not go on.
Please God, I try again...for myself, but also for her.
Thank you for listening to me. again.
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((( garandguy )))
I began drinking when I was about your age. I was married to an alcoholic and after acting on a "if you can't beat them, join them" attitude, I found myself alcohol dependent after about 12 years. I tried to get sober while with this guy but our relationship was doomed because I took our drinking "out of the closet" socially. Well, to make a long story short, we broke up because he chose the bottle and not me. Of course I relapsed worse than ever before.
I got into a new relationship with a real codependent guy who wanted to take care of me and heal me... I pushed that relationship to it's limits. I woke up one day with him standing over my passed out body.. he told me he was gonna leave me because he couldn't stand seeing me like I was (he went to alanon btw) and at that moment I had to choose between HIM and MY ADDICTIONS. Memories of the pain I suffered being second to a bottle of booze sickened me.
I couldn't do to him what was done to me so I quit. I chose him and I've never made a better choice in my entire 56 years of life.
The next time you see a beer in front of you visualize your love sitting right next to it and make the choice. The decision is yours. Your genetics have nothing to do with that choice.. You can't hide behind that stuff when it comes to addiction. Self hatred can be overcome and you can flourish. Recovery is mostly about learning how to make good choices for yourself instead of bad ones. Choosing your lover over a bottle is such an excellent place to begin! You will lose her if you don't or make her life on this planet a living hell. Make the good choice for you and for her and for the rest of your lives together.
