[Garandguy762]

I posted here some months ago. I wanted to shed light on my addiction, to bring it out from the shadows where it lurks. I wanted to tell people I have had enough, that I vow to quit killing myself. And everyone here was so supportive, and some even took the time to email me kind thoughts and support.

I feel like I have let you all down. I have never met any of you, but I feel like I have failed you. I was unable to stay sober the last time I talked to you. I think I lasted about 6 days, 6 or 7. It was the longest I have gone without a drink in as long as I can remember. But still, I rationalized it. I "rewarded" myself. I drank. I failed.

My life is still intact. But for how long? My 29th birthday was this last Saturday. Jenny took me away and we had a great time. I was able to drink just 2-3 beers and be content on my birthday. I was able to moderate. Until Sunday came. Somehow, I was able to drink 8 beers and quite a bit of rum. Today, I am badly hungover and I NEVER get hungover. So I know I drank a ton.

I am ashamed of myself. Why do I do this? Why do I do this to her? She loves me so much, and i love her so much it hurts. My heart aches because of what I do to her. I am so selfish. How can I do this? I do not even feel human. I have no humanity to constantly shun her love and embrace my bottle. I feel that when I lose her, and I will if I continue on this path, that my life will crumble utterly. I could not go on.

Please God help me. Help me throw off the chains of my genetics, of my choices, of my self-wrought addictions. I want to be human. I want to love like others do, I want to be freed from my prison of loneliness. Please God, I try again...for myself, but also for her.

Thank you for listening to me. again.