[chip]

I've spent too much time worrying about what others think about me. I would embelish my stories and exaggarate.... to build myself up. I was obsessed with being "cool". In my 20's I had to be the "cool" guy. I wanted everyone to like me. If they didn't like me, I was crushed and I couldn't figure out why.

I'm trying to change my thinking patterns. Even today, I struggle with an old way of thinking. This old way of thinking views myself as others see me. This old way of thinking has me plan my actions based on what I think others would think is "exciting" "cool" "dangerous" etc..... I need to learn to be me, and be happy with me.

Back to that sense of longing I've always had, I always longed to be "better" than I am. I wanted people around me to think I was "better" than I am.

All too often, I'd get hurt. I'd get hurt because my plans didnt' always work. I'd get hurt because people would see past my facade, or worst yet, not even care. I really thought people thought about me much more than they probably do. My world revolved around me, and I thought I was VERY important to many other people, including people who didn't really even know me.

As a performer, on stage, I elevated myself mentaly to a point above my fellows. This attitude was in all areas of my life. Really, I was afraid that I wasn't good enough, so I compensated by pretending I was god's gift to humanity.

Taking a day job was a blow to my ego. I wanted to do my music full time, but I couldn't afford to live on the little money I made. My whole music "career" is a great expression of all this stuff I've been talking about. I wasn't really all that talented at music, but I seemed to be a pretty good performer. I was acting. I thought by playing the part of a rock star, I would somehow become a real rock star. I had this delusion that I would one day play arena shows, but I had no idea how I would get to that point.

I would constantly try and "will" other people into doing what I wanted. Again, I often was hurt because they wouldn't do what I wanted them to do. I often thought I could make unreasonable demands on others just because I was who I was. My sick mentality was like this: "You want to do what I want because I am the almighty chip, and you should want to worship me". Talk about a god complex... I had a full out of control god complex.

This disease of self centerness took a nasty manifestation when I went through a scary parinoid phase. My music career had a bit of a slow down, and I was saturating the local market too much (playing at the same local clubs too often, and losing the following). At about the same time, I cheated on my long term girlfriend and broke up with her. She was devestated, and she went into a depression. I also became homeless. At the time I told myself that I was waiting to go on tour, and there was no point of getting another apartment. In reality, I didn't have the tour planned at all.

I foolishly spent the last of my money on repressing the CD I was selling. I did so because I thought I was going on another tour. I had no idea how this tour was going to happen, but I thought somebody would work it out for me because I was the almighty chip. So there I was, in 1998, homeless with no plans, no money, no tour and a bunch of CDs. Everyone who was into my music in the area already bought the first pressing of the CD, and I still have those boxes today.

This "down time" saw me spiral down into a depression and a parinoid state.

At a local bar, I picked up a girl who came out to see me play. She also bought me some food ( I was getting free drinks at the bar, but I wasn't eating very much). I knew she had her own apartment, and I went home with her that night. I was living in a walk in closet at a local promoter's place, and it was nice to stay with this girl. Later I ended up getting married to her.

I snapped out of my parinoid state when I stopped taking uppers and started going to church. I went to church for several months, and I believe that God helped me with my mental health issue at that time.

My new girlfriend gave me a place to live, and even though I treated her badly, she was very nice to me. I convinced her to invest her money into my next CD. The CD took a lot of work and money, and although it was good musically, I didn't sell very many copies at all.

My band turned into a cover band, and we played the dive bar circuit.

I convinced my family to give me some money so I could buy a house and marry my girlfriend. She and I went 50/50 for a down payment on a house. I got her pregnant before we even moved in.

I was in the drug business as well, and I was growing marijuanna. I turned the basement of the new house into a marijuanna grow opreration. I had to swallow my pride and get a day job as a cook.

During this time, my drinking got really bad. I would wake up in the morning and drink 1-2 beers and smoke a joint while attending to my marijuanna plants. I would drive to work and have another beer and a joint in the parking lot. I would drink at work all day. After work I would sit at a bar and drink untill I was blacked out. This was my life, and I remember the events of sept 11 2001 in this haze.

On the night my son was born, my wife convinced me to come home from the bar early. We had a big fight, and I smashed some beer bottles against the side of the house. She went into labour, and I drove (yes I drove) to the hospital. In the trunk of the car, I put her suitcase and a 12 pack of beer.

During her labour, I would go out to the car for beer breaks.

I feel pretty bad about how I wasn't really all there emotionally when my son was born. I remember it, but the memory is a bit hazy because of my drinking.

I stopped doing the marijuanna operation when my partner went to federal prision for drug dealing.

My band broke up, and my job got better. I started trying to hide my drinking.

Back to the obsessive thinking about what other people think...... I wanted people to think that I "cut back" and that I was getting my life straightened out. I was actually drinking heavily every day, but I wasn't drinking as much as I wanted to be drinking. I started a battle with my drinking. When I was controling it, I wasn't enjoying it. When I was enjoying it, I wasn't controling it. I was doing my black out drinking thing alone in my garage late at night.

The "first time" experiences kept happening, and I kept having scary drinking experiences. I got in trouble with the law for the first time. I started having drinking related health problems for the first time. My blackouts were getting scary, and I did some unspeakable things.

I was also constantly injuring myself because of my drinkng. I was doing some really stupid things. I was passing out in weird places, and I think in this time I was starting to realize that I am an alcoholic.

I'll write more soon.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for letting me share. I feel better getting this stuff out. It would be one thing to write it all out in word, and keep it to myself. I like posting it on line because it's a relief to share it with another person. I have to admit that I like being anonymous here.....lot's of this stuff I wouldn't want somebody who knows me to read.

Anyways, this is very helpful to me, and I thank you.
chip