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Hello friends.

Ever since I was a little boy, I felt that something was wrong with me. I've always felt like something was missing. The feeling of longing is something which I have felt strongly throughout my life. I was never satisfied, and I always wanted "more".

My poor self esteem has made me feel a need to compensate. I compensated by putting on a facade of "toughguy". I compensated by entertaining delusions of grandour. I compensated by looking down on others and judging. Booze helped me do all this.

With the delusions of grandeour, my pride ran out of control. I was a bragger and a "big shot". I wanted to be the life of the party, and at times I was. Other times, I was the jerk at the party which people wanted to avoid. .

When I first started drinking alcohol, I found that it removed my feelings of inadaquacy. My fears vanished, and I was the toughest, smartest, and the best looking. I could do whatever I wanted, and I felt like a god.

At the same time, I started realizing that I would go further than everyone I knew. I took drinking to the extreme, and I enjoyed escaping myself.

I thought drinking also made me cool. I wanted to be a "rebel" and a "bad boy". I wanted girls to like me and I wanted guys to look up to me.

I had trouble relating to other people, and thinking about how they feel. I have a hard time figuring out how I feel. I kept my distance from friends, for the fear of being hurt. I was betrayed by close friends at an early age, and that affected me later in life. I was also afraid that I would be rejected. I wanted people to like me, and think I was the best....but I didn't want to get to close. If they got to close, I was afraid that they would reject me.

Drinking was a perfect package deal for me in the early days. I had some great times drinking. The bad stuff scared me, but these negative aspects wern't enough of a deterrent to keep me away from the bottle.

My father controlled my life. My ultra religious parents robbed me of a normal social life while I was growing up. When I left home at 18, I wanted to rebel against the establishment which robbed me of my freedom. Drinking was an expression of freedom for me. I eventually became enslaved by it.

I was raised in an ultra conservative christian commune. We went to the local public schools, but we were treased and treated badly because of our religion. I felt like I was persucuted. Also, my parents wouldn't allow me to go to school dances or any social events. Girls wouldn't give me the time of day, and I felt horrible about myself.

In my extended family, I have uncles who I've never heard about. Later in my life, I found out that they were hopless alcoholics. Genetics might play a role in my alcoholism. I am most certainly an alcoholic, and if I kept drinking, I would probably become one of those men in my family which nobody talks about.

Once I moved out of my parents house, the night life beckoned me.

I had a big chip on my shoulder (that's why i call myself chip here). I was out for revenge. I wanted to show the world who I was, and I wanted to make people sorry for treating me the way they did. I wanted to become a rock star. I wanted to become a rich drug dealer. I wanted all sorts of unrealistic wants.....all a part of that deep sense of longing I've always had. The longing feeling always comes with disappointment and rejection.

I treated women very bad. I know I did because I was hurt by girls when I was young. When I was a "cool" "bad boy" in my 20's I cheated on girlfriends and treated them like garbage. At times I would pick up girls whom I knew were insecure, and I would prey on them. I don't want to talk about this much more because it makes me feel really bad. I have some amends to make to some people who I will never see again.

Against the will of my parents, I dropped out of school. I started playing in rock bands. I started living a rock and roll fantasy. In my fantasy, I was a rock star. In reality, I played in a cover band which played in scummy bars. I wore leather jackets and started selling drugs to make money. I was so pleased with myself because I was the opposite of how my parents wanted me to be.

I cheated, lied, and stole. I'd do almost anything to come out on top. I was ruthless with people I was in business with (drugs) I ripped some people off. I took odd day jobs as a short order cook. I had a bad temper, and I was a terror in the kitchen.

Every thing was about ME ME ME.

All this time, my drinking grew worse and worse. I started having disturbing "firsts". First time in trouble with police. First time driving in a black out. First warning from an employer. First time being homeless etc......

I've got to stop sharing now. I will pick it up on this thread sometime when I want to continue.

I guess I'm beginning to turn my eyes inward and examine myself.

I'm getting ready to start my 4th step work.

Thanks to anyone who has read this. Thanks for letting me share.
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