I don't know a whole lot of us who get sober and turn into June Cleaver. We get better, change old ways, and become better people all around, but we don't become perfect. And anyone -- including ourselves -- who expects us to be perfect is having unrealistic expectations. Ain't gonna happen. You'll not only drive yourself nuts trying to live up to those kinds of ideals, you'll also end up drunk in the process. I see myself and many, many of the other alcoholics I know in your statement:
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I can't tell you how much i really want to just get f*k'd up and leave my husband.
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If we can't be perfect, we may as well quit right now! But that road doesn't go anywhere, does it?
See, the feminist in me would say, "Ditch the husband & his expectations, and stay sober for you." But I'm getting better, so I won't say that!
My first reaction (other than the opinionated one above!) to your post was to ask, (1) were you ever this model wife/mother that you're trying to be now? If the answer is never, maybe that's not you! and (2) how long did it take you to slip away from that person? If you drank ten years, it may not take ten years to reach your full potential, but three months??! Give yourself a break! I can honestly say I remember very little of my first six months sober. I was still in a brain fog. Things were better by a year, better yet at two years, and before you cringe and say, "I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!" remember -- you can't get there but by putting one foot in front of the other and staying sober one day at a time. Besides, we all "get better" at our own rates. And really, you're better right now. You're on here posting rather than drowning your perceived failures in a bottle of wine.
Then I had another reaction. Have you suggested to your husband that he may need recovery, too, in order to deal with his feelings regarding your drinking and your new sobriety? Has he attended an al-anon meeting?
One last thought: the people we become sober develop slowly over time. Very often, the person who emerges is very different from anyone we've ever been. I'll lay one last generalization on you: regardless of your perceived faults, I am willing to bet that you're a better person sober than drunk.
Peace & Love,
Sugah